Psst, Suarez, how do you score again?

USA - There is going to be a stunning goal-scoring performance from Fernando Torres on TV this Sunday. It's going to be shown on the History Channel.

OK, that's a little unfair. Jose Mourinho did praise him this week (which is a bit like Ronald McDonald praising a cow).

But Torres has certainly got plenty on his mind. On Sunday, Chelsea visit Liverpool at Anfield in what is looking ever more like a title decider.

The Spaniard needs goals like his coaching staff need restraining orders.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. On the eve of Chelsea's Champions League semi-final against Atletico Madrid, Torres called up an EPL striker who has been more reliable in front of goal this season. He called 12 different strikers. Finally, he got through to Luis Suarez...

Torres: Hello, Luis? It's Fernando.

Suarez: What is? The Abba song?

Torres: No, it's me, Fernando Torres. Don't tell anyone I've called, but I need your help. It's a delicate matter. You're the only one who can give me advice on this.

Suarez: You've bitten Branislav Ivanovic, too? He can be an annoying player. Just gargle some antiseptic mouthwash and then...

Torres: No, it's not that. I don't bite defenders. I can't get anyone near them.

Suarez: So, what is it then?

Torres: I need to be able to do something that - let's be honest - only you can do at the moment.

Suarez: You want to sleep with my wife?... I know we share the Spanish language and a similar culture, but I'm not getting involved with any funny business. That's not my style. Have you tried John Terry?

Torres: Ah, for heaven's sake, Luis, do I have to spell it out for you?

Suarez: If it's a big word, don't ask Terry for any help.

Torres: Scoring! All right, are you happy now? I need help with scoring.

Suarez: So, you do want to speak to Terry?

Torres: Stop messing around. The whole world will be watching our game on Sunday. I can't make a fool of myself. And if you are banging in goals at the other end, it's only going to make things worse.

Suarez: Let me get this straight. You want me to help you to score goals in our match at Anfield?

Torres: Yes.

Suarez: You must think I'm God. I'm not God. But I think he's around somewhere... Ah, there he is... Robbie. Someone wants a word with you.

Robbie Fowler's voice in the background: What is it Luis, lad? I'm conducting a coaching session.

Suarez: Fernando Torres wants some advice on how he can make more goals for Chelsea against Liverpool on Sunday.

Fowler: Tell him to get injured in the warm-up. April Fool's Day was three weeks ago.

Torres: I can hear him... I am aware of what's going on around me, you know.

Suarez: Except when you're in the penalty box.

Torres: I could do without the sarcasm. I need goals. We've only got three EPL games left and I must start scoring. You'll still probably win the league whatever happens, so give me some support here. I've got to put myself in the shop window.

Suarez: You're looking for a transfer.

Torres: I've got to. Jose Mourinho has made me the fourth-choice striker at the club.

Suarez: I thought he said you were his third-choice striker.

Torres: He's just put Petr Cech ahead of me. So I'm running out of time to impress a club who understands what I could offer, a club where I could really fit in.

Suarez: Atletico Madrid?

Torres: I was actually thinking Queens Park Rangers. But I could try Atletico Madrid, sure.

Suarez: You'll get a break before the end of the season.

Torres: That's what I was thinking. I just need to face a really clumsy, generous defence and that's when I thought of Liverpool.

Suarez: Hey, that's not fair.

Torres: You conceded three against Cardiff and two against Norwich.

Suarez: Yeah, all right. That was fair.

Torres: Exactly. So can you give me tips? I only want one goal. You can score as many as you want, I'll take a consolation. Just give me some insider info. How many weak links are there in your back four?

Suarez: Four.

Torres: That's true. Even I might be able to score against Liverpool's defence.

Suarez: Let's not get carried away. Besides, I'm really not sure you should be talking to me ahead of our big game. It's a conflict of interest. Why don't you try some of the boys at Manchester United?

Torres: I did. I kept calling David Moyes. But for some reason he's not picking up the phone.

(He's) similar to Dave Brailsford. Very psychologically minded, very challenging. He (Rodgers) wants to make sure he's got it right. He will question what I do, engage with it. - Psychologist Dr Steve Peters, likening Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers to highly-successful British cycling coach Sir Dave Brailsford

This article was published on April 23 in The New Paper.

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