All this animal talk is really just a lot of bull

Liverpool's Luis Suarez (R) challenged by Arsenal's Per Mertesacker during their English Premier League football match at Anfield Stadium in Liverpool, northern England February 8, 2014.

Which is funnier? To be labelled a "specialist in failure" or a "chihuahua"?

I don't think Arsene Wenger - recognised as a wise owl by some for his innate ability in projecting a wonderful future for Arsenal without any trophy - minds being called a "specialist in failure" by Jose Mourinho.

That's still better than "voyeur", as the Mischievous One taunted him during his first stint with Chelsea. Also, being an expert means at least you're good in something.

But a chihuahua? That's a dog so tiny even a nasty shark like Mourinho wouldn't bother to gobble.

What's funny is "chihuahua" is actually used by Brendan Rodgers to describe Liverpool running in like little pooches between the legs of the big horses (Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester City) in the EPL title race.

Rodgers used to be Chelsea's youth team coach under Mourinho. So, as Jose's loyal poodle back then, he has picked up some useful animal instincts himself.

Now, his resurgent Liverpool are filled with eager little foxes and one big wolf named Luis Suarez, all of whom attack together as a hungry pack.

These canines are ahead of the deer - Manchester United - so named because they're flailing about in fear so much right now that they remind you of a deer frozen in utter shock by the headlights of many onrushing cars.

As usual, we've got to thank Jose the Zookeeper for starting all this barmy chicken-and-duck talk.

His "Chelsea is a little horse" assessment added opportune lustre to the Year Of The Horse, although one wonders if he would bring up his beastly analogy if this was the Year Of The Hippo.

Frankly, all this animal talk is actually a lot of bull. Mind games, as Evil Jose admitted.

Still, this horse thing must have angered the old lion in winter, Alex Ferguson.

He must be channelling his inner screaming eagle into a thoroughly-crushed coffee paper cup as he sees his beloved Man United being not only totally out of the horse race, but out of even the stud stable itself.

Fergie loves horse racing. He used to cheer on his galloping steed called Rock Of Gibraltar.

These days, he must be fuming like a zebra without stripes when he sees the Flop Of Gibraltar, presumably his description of Man United under David Moyes, the hapless little squirrel who replaced him.

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