Dare to be different

The older my daughters get, the more they want to conform.

Now that Yanrong and Yanbei are in Secondary 1 and Primary 5 respectively, I am seeing more of the "I want to keep my head down" syndrome from them.

This attitude manifests itself even more as far as school is concerned.

My young and impressionable daughters see teachers as falling into two broad categories: the fearsome and the admired. Sometimes both. Some have even achieved cult-like status.

I remember Yanrong, my older daughter, putting in a lot of hard work for Chinese last year, partly because she wanted to impress her language teacher.

Any hint of disapproval from the teacher would be met by a redoubling of effort. She was not alone either. There were a few other classmates who behaved the same way.

Obviously, I have no complaints if fear of or, better yet, respect for teachers has the effect of instilling in my daughters a greater sense of discipline and accountability. However, I reckon it takes more than just the fear or love of a teacher to get them to behave.

After all, my wife and I can be as fearsome as any teacher when the occasion calls for it and I'm sure their affection for a teacher isn't on the same scale as that for family.

So why aren't they as obedient with us as they are with their teachers? The pseudo- psychologist in me suggests that teachers have a weapon that parents don't - an audience.

The prospect of public shaming is a strong deterrent against not toeing the line.

As a student, you don't want to be singled out for scolding by your teacher in front of classmates or, worse, the entire cohort.

I have had the "benefit" of being on the receiving end of such a dressing down in my school days and I can vouch that it has not been forgotten despite the decades since.

So we conform. Which is mostly well and good.

The trouble is that it can also stunt a child's development. When we don't dare to be different, we are less likely to be creative, inquisitive or imaginative - traits that are prized in an increasingly knowledge-based global economy.

I am particularly concerned about timid behaviour from my daughters.

It's not that I want them to be mavericks just to be different or disruptive. But it will do them good to develop sufficient self-confidence to want to step into the spotlight once in a while.

In my book, punctilious observation of rules and instructions is a sign of timidity.

Recently, Yanbei took part in a dress rehearsal after school for a dance performance in the upcoming Singapore Youth Festival. Participants were told to leave their bags in the school office for safekeeping.

During recess, she called home to ask my wife to meet her after dismissal time to redo her hair, which had come loose from a bun. Since my wife had to make a trip to the school, she offered to take the schoolbag home.

Yanbei insisted on keeping it in the school office because that was what the pupils were told to do. She had to be persuaded before common sense prevailed.

The pressure to conform can come in an unexpected form.

Since starting secondary school, Yanrong has been reluctant to take a lunchbox to school. Although she didn't explain why, I figure she must have felt awkward at seeing her friends buy food from the canteen all the time.

Never mind the sandwiches her mother makes are more delicious and nutritious than the canteen fare. I think I understand what she is going through.

At 12, she is an adolescent who is still grappling with the transition from primary to secondary school. Feeling insecure and wanting to belong, she spends much time agonising over the state of her friendship with classmates.

Hence acting uncool is out.

It's only when we achieve greater self-esteem as we get older that we are able to break away from the pressure to conform. Even then, there are some norms that are awfully hard to ignore.

At my age, when I am supposedly older and wiser, I am still unable to shrug off the pressure of societal norms.

For instance, I am self-conscious whenever I attend a function in a shirt and tie while the other guests are in suits, notwithstanding the fact that formal attire is not compulsory. This, even when it makes sense to dress down in Singapore's hot and humid climate.

Gary Hayden, a philosophy writer who contributes regularly to Mind Your Body in The Straits Times, recently wrote about seeing English chess grandmaster Jon Speelman on the dance floor at a disco where nobody was dancing.

He was deeply impressed not at Speelman's dance technique but "his willingness to stand there alone and simply "go for it".

Hayden ended with the popular quote: Dance like nobody's watching.

That's a good philosophy to adopt.

dennis@sph.com.sg

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