The bigger they are, the harder their IQs fall

Pain & Gain, starring Dwayne Johnson (left) and Mark Wahlberg (centre).

UNITED STATES - They were wimps. Too busy ennobling mankind to keep up with their squats and shoulder presses, their physiques became embarrassingly girly.

Fortunately, Hollywood has lots of dumb muscleheads to show us what real men are all about.

In Michael Bay's new crime comedy Pain & Gain, Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson play a couple of incredibly dense gym rats who possess the physiques of gods.

Desiring a lifestyle worthy of their spectacular looks, they kidnap a businessman and force him to sign over his fortune. After trying and failing to kill him, mayhem ensues.

While Hollywood often portrays bodybuilders as reasonably smart, Bay has no time for such PC nonsense. Wahlberg's and Johnson's characters are just dolts.

The spectacularly unmuscular JASON JOHNSON pays tribute to them and their chimp-brained brethren.

MARK WAHLBERG & DWAYNE JOHNSON

IN PAIN & GAIN (OPENS THURSDAY)

No one in movie history has made dumber movies than Michael Bay.

From Bad Boys to Pearl Harbor to Armageddon to Transformers, he has spent his career crafting dumb movies for the dummy in all of us.

With Pain & Gain, he shows perhaps he has always been in on the joke.

His protagonists, Daniel and Paul (Wahlberg and Johnson), are the sort of nincompoops who would probably really love Michael Bay movies.

Ringleader Daniel is a big believer in the American Dream as advertised in the sort of movies Bay makes.

Cars, girls, mansions - they can all be yours because you are you and you deserve it.

When piling on the muscle fails to earn him a place among the beautiful people, Daniel turns to kidnapping and extortion, bringing the even dumber Paul along for the ride.


Get The New Paper for more stories.