Breaking bad

Anyone who's read my movie reviews in this paper knows I'm a pretty easygoing guy when it comes to film.

I'm the kindest - or perhaps just the dumbest - critic of all time.

The same goes with music.

On my Kiss92 radio show, Maddy, Jason And Arnold In The Morning, I'm super supportive of all the artists.

Even Justin Bieber. ESPECIALLY Bieber!

That said, a guy's got to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it at Miley Cyrus' papa Billy Ray Cyrus.

Cyrus The Virus, as I like to call him, has just released Achy Breaky 2, an updated version of his 1992 country hit Achy Breaky Heart.

I've long considered Achy Break Heart to be the Worst Song Of All Time, though recently its position at the nadir of the music continuum was challenged by Pitbull's Back In Time.

Achy Breaky Heart is a plodding, pandering, tuneless ode to heartbreak that appeals only to the very drunk or the very stupid.

My colleague Maddy Barber also likes it, bless her heart.

The song sounds as if it were written by a humanzee (half human, half chimpanzee) with only a rudimentary understanding of music, emotion or the alphabet.

This is the song where the word "heart" is rhymed with itself 10 times.

To be fair, he also manages to rhyme "world" with "girl", "friends" with "been" and "understand" with "man".

The greatest lyrical achievement in the tune, however, is the "wooooooooo" that comes at the end of the chorus, a preverbal moan of simian confusion and longing.

HIP-HOP

As bad as the original is, the new re-release featuring rapper Buck 22 makes it seem Beatles-esque in comparison.

The hip-hop elements added to the mix make the whole thing sound more aggressively idiotic.

Think K-Fed rather than Kanye.

The rap guy has also added a new dimension of crappiness lyrics-wise, tossing in such gems as "Miley keeps twerkin' / daddy's song is werkin".

Speaking of twerkin', the music video is about Cyrus The Virus and Buck 22 getting abducted by twerking alien babes.

Their bare bums shake and shake and shake. And shake and shake. And shake.

I now feel like I owe Miley Cyrus a HUGE apology for any smack I might have said about her.

Considering that her genes probably resemble tangled strands of her daddy's mullet rather than the traditional double helix, she's turned out relatively classy!


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