Fright flights

Non-Stop starring Liam Neeson.

It doesn't make any sense for human beings to fly.

For a start, aeroplanes are too heavy to fly.

For another thing, human beings are too stupid to invent aeroplanes.

It doesn't add up!

But these are just two examples of why smart people like me fear flying.

There are many good reasons to take a bus instead of a plane, as is demonstrated vividly by a lot of VERY realistic movies like Non-Stop.

It's the story of a drunken air marshall (Liam Neeson) who must stop a madman from killing the passengers!

Of course there are other scary examples of things that can go awry in the sky.

Please read on and educate yourself for goodness' sake.

1 PLOTS NON-STOP (OPENS ON THURSDAY)

Plots are the worst.

The plotter in Non-Stop sends air marshall Bill Marks (Liam Neeson) a text message saying that if the airline doesn't transfer US$150 million (S$190 million) into an offshore account, he'll kill a passenger every 20 minutes.

What's worse, the guy frames poor Marks for the crime. How can he solve the mystery when everyone thinks HE is the one responsible?

As if that wasn't enough, Marks discovers there's a bomb on the plane.

There are a lot of weirdos on aeroplanes, and any one of them might be responsible.

This is why it's so important for society to offer hobbies, to keep psychos' minds off plots.

Of course the worst thing about plots is that they're invisible - no amount of scanners or heavy pat-downs by airport security will detect them!

2 CRASHING FINAL DESTINATION (2000)

The crash in the original instalment of the horror franchise is among the scariest you'll ever see.

First, the plane starts shaking. Then luggage falls from the overhead bins. Everyone starts screaming. Then there's an explosion. The

fuselage busts open. The passengers get sucked out. Then a ball of fire burns everyone's face off!

This, my friend, is pretty much the scenario I imagine every time I step into a plane.

3 GREMLINS TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE (1983)

Flying phobics never forget this one.

John Lithgow stars as a nervous flyer who looks outside his window only to see a gremlin pulling apart the aeroplane wing! He has a fit, everyone thinks he's nuts, but of course he's not!

Some say it's crazy to believe in gremlins, but I say it's just as crazy to believe that something weighing hundreds of thousands of kilograms, like a passenger jet, can stay in the air!

4 CANNIBALISM ALIVE (1993)

It's bad enough that you have to crash, but what if you crash somewhere in the frozen mountains where there's no food, and then you have to eat your fellow rugby players!

What's worse, everyone knows rugby players are rather gamey.

This is the nightmare scenario we see in this flick, which is, horrifyingly enough, based on a true story.

5 CONVICTS CON AIR (1997)

Being on a plane is bad, but having to fly with other people makes it worse. Especially if they're murderers, rapists and thieves.

Unfortunately, that's the kind of company you keep when you're Nicolas Cage, who ends up on a prison plane in this campy crime-comedy classic.

I've had similar experiences. Some of the people I've sat next to have been so unpleasant, I suspect they were serial killers.

6 ENNUI UP IN THE AIR (2009)

The prospect of a fiery death isn't the only reason to fear flying.

As we see in this award-winning George Clooney dramedy about an on-the-move corporate "downsizer", there's also the sheer boredom.

You're cooped up in a metal tube sitting in the same seat for hour after hour. Sitting, sitting, sitting, sitting, sitting, sitting, sitting.

It's death by lameness.

7 FOREIGNERS AIR FORCE ONE (2000)

One thing that unites all of humanity is our shared hatred of foreigners, which is completely justified since they're always trying to hijack everyone's planes. Even the US President's!

Fortunately, Harrison Ford is the Pres in Air Force One, which means that those Russians don't stand a chance.

Don't mess with Indiana Jones/Han Solo/Rick Deckard, morons!

8 CILLIAN MURPHY RED EYE (2005)

Sitting next to a creep is the worst nightmare of every traveller, so God help you if you end up alongside Cillian Murphy.

Look at his eyes - they're so vividly blue and yet so world-weary. What sort of terrible things have those eyes seen?!

He ends up hassling Rachel McAdams and I can totally sympathise with her.

I've also weirded out plenty of ladies with my own haunted gaze.

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