Humour: Rock star dies, 'uncle' retires

Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver.

Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead.

Natalie Cole.

David Bowie.

Drummer Dale "Buffin" Griffin of Mott The Hoople.

Glenn Frey of The Eagles.

Animal of Dr Teeth And The Electric Mayhem.

No, not Animal!

News of the manic drummer's death last week was the biggest shock of all.

He was reportedly only 66.

His last movie appearance was in Muppets: Most Wanted in 2014.

Co-star Fozzie Bear was quoted in the Waterford Whispers News as saying: "Although he had already been diagnosed with threadbaring syndrome, you would have never known he was sick."

Animal's death was also shocking because he was a Muppet.

I didn't know Muppets can die.

I am beginning to question the trustworthiness of this Waterford Whispers News.

But since it is on the Internet, it must be true.

Still, as shocking as Animal's passing was, after learning the news, I didn't go to the toilet and cry afterwards.

Which was what local musician Kevin Mathews did after finding out about Bowie's death two weeks ago.

Mathews, who is also a poly lecturer, told Yahoo! News: "I was teaching a class so I couldn't react. The moment I got a break, I went to the toilet for a good cry."

This is a 54-year-old man we're talking about.

And he was bawling like a prepubescent fan girl over Zayn Malik leaving One Direction.

He really took it hard.

Coincidentally (or not?), nine days after Bowie's death, Mathews announced his retirement from performing and recording.

But he will still be involved in music as "a journalist and hopefully, as a curator and mentor".

To explain his decision, the singer-songwriter, who had a big local hit with the ballad My One And Only as Watchmen in the early 90s, wrote in his blog: "I sincerely fear that 2016 might be the year that time is called on the former institution known as rock 'n' roll.

"Perhaps it is the death of David Bowie that has depressed me to such an extent that this doomsday scenario now becomes a reality."

So according to Mathews, rock is dead. I blame Justin Bieber and tropical house.

Mathews also pointed to the lack of bands playing rock 'n' roll in the line-up of the upcoming Laneway Festival on Saturday.

He wrote: "This realisation has also aided in my decision to quit as a solo performer, whether live or in the studio."

DIMINISHING RETURNS

But the former lawyer also cited other factors that led to his decision in his Tumblr post: "In the last three years, I have recorded and released two albums and one EP, which have been received with the law of diminishing returns...

"In addition, the shows that I had put together to promote the album (Present Sense) were also poorly attended.

"Not only that, but when I tried to get the support of The Esplanade to support the album, it did not have any spot for me!"

"Now, let that sink in - even The Esplanade - where every Tom, Dick and Harry has a chance to perform - was not interested to have me perform!"

"I must admit that that really hurt."

Well then, maybe he should form a band called Every Tom, Dick And Harry.

But as Mathews revealed, the ultimate career killer isn't The Esplanade - but ageism: "When I reflect on this decision, I can see that it all started with a review of The Fast Colors' performance where the reviewer described us as cool uncles that she wanted to kick out of the cool kids party.

"That ageist comment stung at the time, but I felt that it wasn't true.

"Well, now I do believe that it's time for this 'cool uncle' to leave the party once and for all."

So basically, he is retiring because someone called him "uncle" and it wasn't his niece or nephew.

As someone turning 50 this year, I can relate. Next stop, ah pek-dom.

Ironically, Mathews' hero, Bowie, who died of cancer at 69, worked right till the very end.

Released two days before his passing, his new album Blackstar is topping the charts around the world.

Even in death, Bowie has a No. 1 hit.

I wonder if anyone ever called him "uncle".

Death is said to be the great leveller, but clearly, some rock stars are more "level" than others.

Animal lives!

This article was first published on Jan 24, 2016.
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