Hi. This is Miley Cyrus' tongue.
The world hates me and the person to whom I am attached to.
This girl, whoops, I meant woman, decided to browbeat the fact that she's a "grown up" 20-year-old into the collective consciousness by twerking and grinding her tiny, prepubescent-looking butt into the groin of Blurred Lines singer Robin Thicke.
It was a horrifying three-minute performance at the MTV Video Music Awards.
And since then, everybody's been hating on my owner.
A Texan blogger's open letter urging her 13-year-old daughter not to emulate her, went viral with thousands of comments.
She had wrote: "If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks".
More painfully, the mother also wrote: "I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn't hang out like an overheated hound dog."
You think I wanted to expose myself like that?
I was actually trying to escape the mortifying sequence of events, which saw my girl strip down to
I was horrified. Miley looks like and has a frame of a kid (she came out dancing with stuffed bears for goodness sakes). She then strips off and displays ill-fitting flesh-coloured underwear and jab at her crotch with a foam hand.
Look, I'm a realist. My girl has talent, but it's pretty competitive out there. To sell albums, you've got to get some publicity. And yes, sex does sell.
But good taste is important too.
And my Miley misses it by a country mile.
The once wholesome Disney star has mistaken raunchiness for sexiness. Scratching genitals with a sharp red fingernail is certainly not sexy.
And in case we missed the fact that she's grown up, she poses in revealing clothes in the latest Notion magazine.
She grabs her crotch in one shot and displays her breasts while holding balloons in another.
But that's not very grown-up is it? Putting everything out on display for all and sundry seems more like a shout for attention from a teenager.
While legally my girl can do whatever she wants, it also means she has to deal with the consequences, like any other adult.
Welcome to the grown-up world, Miley.
Maybe you'll realise that being an adult actually means you can't do as you please and get away with it.
Now put me away, before I fall out of your mouth completely.
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