Scarlett Johansson is hot, but she's not that hot.
She is certainly not the Sexiest Woman Alive, as decreed by the people at Esquire magazine last month.
In her new film Don Jon, which opens here tomorrow, she plays the dream girl of the Jersey Shore-esque title character (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).
Don thinks that she's a "dime" - a perfect 10. His best friend doesn't agree and I don't either. She's at best an 8.5. That means, mathematically, there are some smouldering girls out there who are up to 1.5 points sexier than her.
Jason Johnson, who looks like a Fraggle and has absolutely no business judging other people's appearance, sets out to prove that ScarJo is just so-so.
There's something very bovine - cow-like - about Johansson's face.
The 28-year-old US actress looks slow-eyed and slightly dumb, as if she'd just rather be snoozing. Her cheeks are chubby and her lips are oddly shaped, particularly the bottom lip, which looks like a too-plump hotdog.
Her colouration is rather bland, with her creamy skin, blonde hair and pale green eyes all about the same washed-out tone.
Johansson has a wonderfully womanly and curvy body, but there are a million football mums out there who have that too. She stands about 1.6m tall, which is the exact average height of Caucasian females in the US.
She boasts an impressive bosom and derriere, but she's not particularly well toned and comes across as rather squishy. Her limbs are stumpy and she looks absolutely incapable of performing any physical feat aside from lounging on a sofa and eating Lay's.
Johansson seems like a cool chick, but that's part of the problem - she's too down-to-earth to be sexy. She's smart, funny and self-effacing in interviews. Her voice is husky and manly.
There's nothing flirty or coy about her.
HOW ABOUT NINA DOBREV?
Dobrev's face is an object of obsession on her hit TV show The Vampire Diaries, currently in its fifth season.
The 24-year-old Bulgarian-Canadian starlet's girlish, heart-shaped visage is more finely sculpted than Johansson's, with wide cheekbones, a narrow chin and a well-defined jaw.
Her eyes sparkle with mischief beneath arching brows, and her lips could be in a lipstick ad.
Her dark hair and irises contrast dramatically with her lovely olive skin.
HOW ABOUT ANNE HATHAWAY?
Talented as she is, the 30-year-old US actress and Oscar winner still doesn't shy away from exposing her assets on screen. Lucky us. Hathaway is a beautifully constructed woman. Lithe and long-limbed at 1.73m tall, she nonetheless has a full bosom and shapely buttocks.
Remember in The Dark Knight Rises when she was riding around on that motorcycle in her skintight Catwoman suit? Of course you do.
How about those high kicks?
Of course, Johansson wore her own figure-hugging outfit as Black Widow in The Avengers, but unlike Hathaway, you never got the sense she could actually beat up some dudes while tied to a chair.
She looked like a normal girl paired with an incredibly good stuntwoman. Unlike Johansson, Hathaway looks like she can really move.
HOW ABOUT VANESSA HUDGENS?
Hudgens may have started off all sweet and innocent in the High School Musical teen flicks, but the 24-year-old US actress has since gone on to become a rather saucy little pixie.
First, there were those pictures she sent to then-boyfriend actor Zac Efron.
Yes, those pictures. And then those other pictures.
Then there were her sexy roles in Sucker Punch and Spring Breakers.
Then she released a song and music video called $$$ex.
In interviews, Hudgens is invariably impish, even showing off her ladylike brand of twerking when the mood strikes her.
She seems to have a healthy, and very sexy, lust for life.
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