Singer reveals full text of SHINee member Jonghyun's death note

PHOTO: Instagram/run_withthewolf

South Korean band Dear Cloud's vocalist Nine9 revealed the late Jonghyun's painful suicide note on his Instagram on Tuesday.

The singer, whose stage name is Nine9, released the letter with his family's permission, reported Koreaboo.

In a lengthy Instagram post on Tuesday, she wrote: "I was not sure whether I should be posting his will or not, still contemplating in fact, but Jonghyun asked a favour to release his final words if he leaves this world behind. I was really hoping that this day would not come….."

The following is the unofficial English translation of Jonghyun's suicide note in Korean.

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. 종현과 마지막 인사를 하고 왔어요. 웃고 있는 영정사진을 보고서도 저는 여전히 종현이가 제게 다가와 이 모든 게 꿈이었던 것처럼 웃어줄 것 같았습니다. 얼마 전부터 종현이는 제게 어둡고 깊은 내면의 이야기들을 하곤 했어요. 매일같이 많이 힘들었던 것 같아요. 불안한 생각이 들어 가족들에게도 알리고 그의 마음을 잡도록 애썼는데 결국엔 시간만 지연시킬 뿐 그 마지막을 막지 못했습니다. 아직도 이 세상에 그가 없다는 게 믿어지지 않고 너무 괴롭습니다. 지금도 이 글을 올리는게 맞는 건지 겁도 나지만 종현이 본인이 세상에서 사라지면 이 글을 꼭 직접 올려달라고 부탁을 했어요. 이런 날이 오지 않길 바랐는데... 가족과 상의 끝에, 그의 유언에 따라 유서를 올립니다. 분명 저에게 맡긴 이유가 있을 거라고 생각해요. 논란이 있을 거란 걱정도 하고 있습니다. 하지만 그마저도 예상하고 저에게 부탁을 했을 거란 생각에 제가 종현이를 위해 할 수 있는 마지막 일을 해야겠다고 결정했습니다. 이제라도 종현이 혼자가 아니었다는 것을 알아주길 바라요. 그리고 수고했다고...정말 잘했다고... 잘 참아줘서 고맙다고 얘기해주세요... 아름다운 종현아 정말 많이 사랑해 앞으로도 많이 사랑할게. 그곳에서는 부디 아프지 않고 평안하기를 바라. . . 유서 전문입니다. . . 난 속에서부터 고장났다. 천천히 날 갉아먹던 우울은 결국 날 집어삼켰고 난 그걸 이길 수 없었다. 나는 날 미워했다. 끊기는 기억을 붙들고 아무리 정신차리라고 소리쳐봐도 답은 없었다. 막히는 숨을 틔어줄 수 없다면 차라리 멈추는게 나아. 날 책임질 수 있는건 누구인지 물었다. 너뿐이야. 난 오롯이 혼자였다. 끝낸다는 말은 쉽다. 끝내기는 어렵다. 그 어려움에 여지껏 살았다. 도망치고 싶은거라 했다. 맞아. 난 도망치고 싶었어. 나에게서. 너에게서. 거기 누구냐고 물었다. 나라고 했다. 또 나라고 했다. 그리고 또 나라고했다. 왜 자꾸만 기억을 잃냐 했다. 성격 탓이란다. 그렇군요. 결국엔 다 내탓이군요. 눈치채주길 바랬지만 아무도 몰랐다. 날 만난적 없으니 내가 있는지도 모르는게 당연해. 왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다. 왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다. 시달리고 고민했다. 지겨운 통증들을 환희로 바꾸는 법은 배운 적도 없었다. 통증은 통증일 뿐이다. 그러지 말라고 날 다그쳤다. 왜요? 난 왜 내 마음대로 끝도 못맺게 해요? 왜 아픈지를 찾으라 했다. 너무 잘 알고있다. 난 나 때문에 아프다. 전부 다 내 탓이고 내가 못나서야. 선생님 이말이 듣고싶었나요? 아뇨. 난 잘못한게 없어요. 조근한 목소리로 내성격을 탓할때 의사 참 쉽다 생각했다. 왜 이렇게까지 아픈지 신기한 노릇이다. 나보다 힘든 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 나보다 약한 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 아닌가보다. 살아있는 사람 중에 나보다 힘든 사람은 없고 나보다 약한 사람은 없다. 그래도 살으라고 했다. 왜 그래야하는지 수백번 물어봐도 날위해서는 아니다. 널위해서다. 날 위하고 싶었다. 제발 모르는 소리 좀 하지 말아요. 왜 힘든지를 찾으라니. 몇번이나 얘기해 줬잖아. 왜 내가 힘든지. 그걸로는 이만큼 힘들면 안돼는거야? 더 구체적인 드라마가 있어야 하는거야? 좀 더 사연이 있었으면 하는 거야? 이미 이야기했잖아. 혹시 흘려들은 거 아니야? 이겨낼 수있는건 흉터로 남지 않아. 세상과 부딪히는 건 내 몫이 아니었나봐. 세상에 알려지는 건 내 삶이 아니었나봐. 다 그래서 힘든 거더라. 부딪혀서, 알려져서 힘들더라. 왜 그걸 택했을까. 웃긴 일이다. 지금껏 버티고 있었던게 용하지. 무슨 말을 더해. 그냥 수고했다고 해줘. 이만하면 잘했다고. 고생했다고 해줘. 웃지는 못하더라도 탓하며 보내진 말아줘. 수고했어. 정말 고생했어. 안녕.

A post shared by 디어클라우드 나인 (@run_withthewolf) on

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I was broken from the inside.

The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.

I could not beat the negativity.

I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to 'wake up,' all I got in return was silence.

I'd rather stop if I cannot breathe.

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You're the only one.

I felt utterly alone.

A black and white memorial for SHINee's Jonghyun by Singaporean fans at Hong Lim Park

  • Thousands of Singaporean fans of South Korean pop group SHINee turned up in a sea of black and white at Hong Lim Park on Wednesday (Dec 20) night to pay their respects to the band's lead singer Kim Jong Hyun .
  • A young female fan who looked to be in her early teens sobbed and repeatedly said: "I just cannot believe it."
  • The mood was sombre as many fans were spotted hugging and crying.
  • Some took balloons to the event, others offered flowers and stuffed toys.
  • Post-it notes were also passed around for fans to write on as they left behind heartfelt farewell messages for their beloved idol.
  • At one point, the fans waved their light sticks and smartphones in the air as they sang the SHINee song Replay.
  • Despite the large crowd at the event, the fans, made up mostly of young teenage girls, were quiet and orderly. They queued up patiently to get into the park despite the detailed identity checks against pre-registration forms.
  • According to a list of rules posted on @majidarou's Twitter feed, only 1,000 fans could be within the park compound at any one time, which meant that fans could only enter in batches.
  • The memorial service here was organised by a group of local SHINee fans led by a Twitter user who goes by the handle @majidarou.
  • Six of K-pop's biggest stars carried the coffin of fellow singer Kim Jong-Hyun to a hearse .
  • Despite harsh winter weather, weeping fans in jackets, hats, scarves and masks waited outside for the vehicle to leave. They cried even harder as the hearse passed them by.
  • Hundreds of fans from across the country were present while the casket of Jonghyun -- whose real name is Kim Jong-hyun -- was carried out.
  • Onew, Key, Taemin and members of Super Junior were pallbearers, while Minho and Jonghyun’s sister walked ahead of the procession holding his photo.
  • Members of SHINee and Super Junior carry Jonghyun’s coffin at Seoul Asan Hospital on Thursday.
  • The celebrities bowed their heads and prayed while waiting for the hearse, a black Lincoln limousine, to leave the building, as people at the back sang Christian hymns.
  • Super Junior's donghae
  • The private funeral started around 8 a.m. It was attended by Jonghyun’s family, as well as officials and artists of S.M. Entertainment, including Girls’ Generation and EXO.
  • Members of Girls Generation at the funeral
  • A top K-pop star bemoaned feeling "broken from inside" and "engulfed" by depression in a suicide note, it emerged Tuesday, as his death sent shockwaves among fans worldwide.
  • Kim Jong-Hyun, a 27-year-old lead singer of the massively popular K-pop boyband SHINee, was found in a Seoul hotel room on Monday in what police said was suicide.
  • Kim's close friend, musician Nain9, released a suicide note on Tuesday on her Instagram account, saying he had asked her to publish the message in the event of his death.
  • “I am broken from inside. The depression that gnawed on me slowly has finally engulfed me entirely," it said, adding he "couldn't defeat it anymore".
  • Five-member SHINee debuted in 2008 and went on to lead the "Korean Wave" that saw South Korean pop culture develop followings across Asia and beyond.
  • The band's agents SM Entertainment – which dominates K-pop and has several other top acts under its wings – said Kim's funeral would be held on Thursday.
  • "Other members of SHINee as well as other artists at our company are all mourning his death amid deep sorrow and shock," it said in a statement.
  • Many other K-pop stars at the firm cancelled public appearances to visit the mourning altar at a Seoul hospital where his body lies, with hundreds of tearful fans also in attendance.
  • "It looks certain that it was a suicide," police told a briefing. "So we plan to close the case without autopsy as requested by the family."

It is easy to say "I'm going to end it."

It is very difficult to actually go through with it.

I've been struggling through the difficulty.

I told myself that it's just me wanting to run away from everything.

It's true. I really did want to run away.

From me.

From you.

I asked, "Who's there?" It's me. It's me again. And it's me the third time.

I asked, "Why do I keep on losing my memory?" They said it's due to my personality. I see. It's all my fault.

I wanted someone to notice (my suffering), but no one knew. Of course, they wouldn't. They never met me before.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. They live "just because."

If I ask why people died, they would probably say they couldn't bear it any longer.

Troubling thoughts flooded my head. I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy.

Pain is just pain.

I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.

Why? Why can't I even end my life with my own will?

I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering.

I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me. It's all my fault that I carry so many imperfections.

Teacher, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I didn't do anything wrong.

I used to think that it's so easy for doctors to blame your personality for the suffering in their calm voice.

It surprises me how I am feeling this much pain. Those people, who have suffered worse than I, seem to go on living perfectly fine. Those weaker than I am live on as well. I guess not. Among the living, there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.

The only answer I got back was "just live nevertheless."

Asking the purpose of life more than one hundred times is not for me. It's for you.

I wanted to do it for me.

Please don't say things you don't know.

How could you ask me to still look for reasons behind my pain? I told you multiple times why I'm suffering. Do I need more reasons to be in pain? More dramatic details in my stories? More stories even?

I told you already. Were you absent-minded when I told you? Things you can bear and even come above do not leave scars.

It wasn't my responsibility to go against the world.

It wasn't my path to become world-famous.

That's why they say it's hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It's quite funny now that I think about it.

It's a miracle that I endured through it all this time.

What more can I say. Just tell me "good job."

You did great. Tell me I suffered enough.

Even though you can't laugh right now, just don't send me off blaming me.

Good job.

You suffered a great deal.

Good-bye.

 

HELPLINES
  • Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1800-2214444
  • Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-2837019
  • Sage Counselling Centre: 1800-5555555
  • Care Corner Mandarin Counselling: 1800-3535800
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