Justin Bieber, I've changed my mind.
I love you.
You are so funny, it hurts.
It's been hard on you, babe, being in all sorts of trouble with the law - drinking, drugging and drag racing.
Then someone had the nerve to pull you and your lawyers into a boring old meeting room to give your side of the story because some paparazzo named Jeffrey Binion is suing you for being choked and having his camera stolen by one of your minders last year.
So you had fun with the whole deposition process.
And boy, are we having fun with it too!
Predictably, the whole world is appalled: e! Online even took the time to list your "21 brattiest moments" from the six-minute video which was leaked to website TMZ earlier this week, while gossip site PerezHilton.com is saying that your "snarky" attitude in the video has embarrassed your (former?) mentor Usher.
But I feel the opposite.
There are so many classic, GIF-worthy moments in it, I'm almost tempted to start a Tumblr dedicated just to you (isn't it crazy that I haven't already done so?).
Instead, I offer my illustrated ode to the world's greatest four-year-old Canadian pop star (because kids read best with pictures):
You're an adorable little toddler
When you're irritated by a question from your interrogator, you say: "I don't have to listen to anything you have to say."
Everyone's heard that line before - from their unrepentant toddlers.
Kudos to you for not following it up with foot-stomping and toy-throwing!
(Apologies to toddlers whose feelings I've hurt.)
You love yourself, you really do
You must be so proud that at the tender age of four, you've been able to grow wisps of hair on your upper lip.
So you can't stop looking at yourself, or showing off how swagalicious you are.
Why else would you, in the middle of being interrogated, pop your collar and stare intensely into the camera?
You love your fans, you really do
OMG, you never stop thinking about them (I mean, us)!
Even when your lawyers are arguing with the guy taking your statement, you find the time to think of them (us!) and wink at the camera.
You're so smart
When you're asked to watch a "film" showing the paparazzi footage that landed you and your minders in trouble, you refuse to do so because you, rightly, probably think the word "film" should not be used on anything other than a Transformers sequel starring Shia LaBeouf.
You're all like: "Film? Film?"
Boring lawyer guy: "Is there a difference?"
You: "Uh, yes."
You're a comedian
As if you're not already busy being the world's youngest multi-hyphenate (singer-CSI actor-guitar player-master party thrower-boxer-basketballer-ideal boyfriend), you're taking on another role: Comedian.
The video proves you've learned from the best Bieber parodies - from friend Miley Cyrus, from actor James Franco, from Saturday Night Live star Kate McKinnon - and decided that the best medicine for your pain and everyone else's is humour.
The winks, the flirting with the camera, the looks of incredulity as you ponder a question about whether you've ever been to Australia (four times, babe, four!) - it's everything people think you are (self-centred and stupid), but you don't mind playing up stereotypes, because you know it's pure comedy gold.
BIEBER GOES OVERBOARD
He threatens to "beat the **** out" of a photographer after the pair exchange expletives as Bieber is leaving his hotel in London, UK. He is restrained by his bodyguard.
He is slammed after photos of him being carried on the shoulders of his bodyguard at the Great Wall of China make the rounds.
He reportedly goes to a brothel and splashes US$1,200 (S$1,500) on two Selena Gomez lookalikes, who follow him and his crew back to their hotel. He is rumoured to have had a one-night stand with Brazilian model and bodybuilder Tati Neves.
Detectives search his Los Angeles mansion following an egg-throwing incident. They seize illegal drugs and arrest his friend Lil Za (real name Xavier Smith).
He is arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and drag racing on a beach in Florida, US. He is charged with drink-driving, resisting arrest and driving with an expired licence.
He is charged with assault for allegedly striking a limousine driver.
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