EPL: Caught in a fix

After weeks of upsets in the EPL, even the match-fixers have had enough. They are wasting so much money right now, almost as much as Tottenham's substitutes' bench.

Writing on condition of anonymity, a match-fixer sent me a letter this week to stress his innocence.

He said the letter was almost as urgent as the line outside the men's toilet at the England training camp. So I have decided to print the letter in full.

Dear Mr Dumpwee,

First, I must say that you and The New Paper give match-fixers a bad name. But if you want to eat half ball against England, go see my kaki at the Bedok coffee shop... Wait, that's the letter I'm writing for other reporters.

You cannot bribe one. I tried before with the West Ham season ticket, but you said you'd rather have a ticket for the Titanic. I don't know that team, but my kaki is still trying to get one for you.

Now, first, must settle West Ham. They are not kelong, OK?

Just because they haven't played with any strikers since 1974, cannot blame me.

They look like they're kelong. They play like they're kelong, but they are not kelong. I must admit that when they re-signed Carlton Cole, I called all my match-fixer kakis and said they must be fixed.

But they all say the same. Cole and West Ham are not kelong. They are just really, really bad.

We thought about fixing the Hammers, but then we changed our minds. Who would notice the difference?

But Chelsea are causing us big problems. They send out Romelu Lukaku. Then they drop Juan Mata. They draw with West Brom and get whacked by Newcastle.

Now people think Jose Mourinho is my boss. He's not my boss. After West Brom, he looked like my boss. Actually, with his hair all messy, his face not shaved and his nose swollen, he looked like my wife. But we cannot fix Chelsea.

We tried before. But Roman Abramovich's gangsters are bigger than our gangsters. I sent my two best ah bengs to fix two of Roman's Russian bodyguards. I think the bodyguards are still laughing.


Manchester City are another big headache. A few years ago, some match-fixing kakis went to the Middle East, got arrested, got tortured and got their money taken away. They still say they had more fun on the road than City.

Manuel Pellegrini is like my most blur ah long. Every time he goes to someone else's house, he comes back with nothing. Losing at Sunderland was the last straw.

We already had enough trouble with Paolo Di Canio at Sunderland. I got a bookies' runner working for me. He's so dumb the police asked him to take a drugs test and he asked if he could revise first.

But Di Canio made him look like Confucius. So Sunderland were left in a mess. We were certain Man City would hammer them. And yet, Pellegrini spent more than $100 million and got nothing in return. That's worse than my bookies' runner.

We must also stress that we have nothing to do with Phil Jones. He didn't look like his old self against Arsenal. He was fantastic.

We cannot make any money on Manchester United while this man is having an identity crisis. If we knew why he was playing better, we'd do the same to Roberto Soldado.

Spurs are our biggest nightmare. The last time we lost so much money was when we tried to buy our own football club so we could control it. So we could pick the team, the manager, the kit man and control every little detail from Asia.

But Vincent Tan stole our idea. He bought Cardiff City to ruin the club and he's not even kelong.

Still, his dress sense suggests he might be involved in a gambling syndicate. Surely he tucks his Cardiff shirt into his trousers to win a bet, right?

But Tottenham are a different kettle of something fishy. Let me say there is no spot-fixing going on. We are not bribing Spurs to never cross the ball again.

Andre Villas-Boas thinks his pitches are shaped in circles. There are no corners. With Tottenham, we are now considering taking bets on the number of crosses.

But we will stop at five crosses a game. Anything more than that would just be ridiculous.

Once again, can I speak for all my match-fixing kakis and say we have nothing to do with what's happening in the EPL right now.

So stop asking us about Crystal Palace's Marouane Chamakh. We can't believe he's that bad either.

Yours, Ah Beng

Get The New Paper for more stories.