Fifty shades of black and white

I felt like I needed a cigarette afterwards.

And I don't even smoke.

I haven't seen such unabashed coverage of wild sex acts in mainstream media since the opening of the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie in February.

I'm no prude but I made it a point not to see the movie despite the hype. Actually, the hype kinda turned me off.

I mean, who does egotistical billionaire Christian Grey think he is anyway? Iron Man?

The only climax I would pay to see on the big screen is superheroes fighting robots in an orgy of CGI mayhem.

Fifty Shades Of Grey has been labelled as "mummy porn", although I've yet to catch my mother guiltily reading the E.L. James novel or watching the movie on her tablet alone in the dark.

But last week, like Malcolm McDowell in the aversion therapy scene from A Clockwork Orange, all of Singapore was made to watch an even more deviant form of smut - panda porn. We want to turn away, but we... just... can't.

On Tuesday, photos and videos of pandas Kai Kai and Jia Jia attempting their first hook-up at River Safari were unleashed on the unsuspecting world.

Look at Kai Kai answering Jia Jia's booty call. Look at Kai Kai sniffing Jia Jia's booty. Look at Kai Kai climbing on top of Jia Jia. Ewwwwww!

Why are we being inflicted with Fifty Shades Of Black And White?

Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS) could've at least rated those images PG for Panda Gross.

Why isn't WRS going to court while eating a banana to face charges for the distribution of obscene material?

I found the images so beastly that I wished Ikea had offered discounted tickets for its Ikea Family members to view them so that I could boycott Ikea.

In case you didn't get that reference, some people called for a boycott of Ikea last week after the Swedish company advertised that it's offering discounted tickets to loyalty card members to a magic show by anti-gay pastor-magician Lawrence Khong.

I used to be an Ikea Family member. Now I just go there for the hotdogs and meatballs.

Speaking of hotdogs and meatballs, Kai Kai apparently didn't know where his were because he didn't manage to inseminate Jia Jia during that much photographed mating session.

The pandas must be as frustrated as Rui En at last Sunday's Star Awards, where she won nothing.


"He just didn't know what to do," said Dr Cheng Wen-Haur, the chief life sciences officer at WRS, about Kai Kai. "I think he's just too young. He's just a boy."

Hey, I've been there, Kai Kai. I was a boy once, too.

Dr Cheng explained that Kai Kai did not have any older pandas as "a role model" in captivity.

I suspect Kai Kai also didn't have access to the Internet so that he could learn to how to make babies from online porn, uh... I mean, online sex education videos like the rest of us do.

So you can't blame Kai Kai for having some performance anxiety.

I don't need a doctorate from a degree mill to know that even I wouldn't be able to finish the job if someone was taking pictures of me during my first time. I would be too worried about looking fat on camera to focus on inseminating my mate.

After Kai Kai's failure to launch, it was decided that Jia Jia would be artificially inseminated as female pandas are fertile for only 24 to 36 hours a year.

Yes, there's a video of that as well.

If only my wife and I had considered artificial insemination when we were trying to conceive our first child 19 years ago. She, too, only had a short time window every month when she was able to conceive, although it was days rather than hours.

My wife calculated when those days were and circled them on a calendar with a heart. On those "heart nights", I was scheduled to inseminate her like a panda in a zoo.

Pressure? What pressure?

Unlike Kai Kai and Jia Jia, there were no cameras involved.

Today, the result of those "heart nights" is failing economics in junior college.

We don't know yet if Jia Jia's artificial insemination is successful. The earliest WRS can check for signs of embryo is three months later. If she gives birth, I hope her offspring is better at economics than my son.

As for Kai Kai, maybe he can watch Fifty Shades Of Grey to pick up some moves for his future "heart nights". No, wait, the movie is rated R21. He's only seven years old.

He could read the book instead.

This article was first published on April 26, 2015.
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