Football: Gifts for the gaffers

JOSE MOURINHO (CHELSEA): A DVD of his best lines

For some reason, Jose Mourinho doesn't quite seem like Jose Mourinho this season.

Usually good for a quote, the Special One hasn't been so special in his verbal volleys lately despite his team doing well. Time to return to form, Jose.

MANUEL PELLEGRINI (MAN CITY): Replacement hamstrings for Sergio Aguero/A new brain for Eliaquim Mangala

Manchester City have one of the finest strikers in the world in Sergio Aguero and it doesn't help that the superb Argentinian's hamstrings keep breaking down. Pellegrini will surely wish he had ready-made replacements for Aguero that he could just snap on whenever the old ones wear out.

Alternatively, Pellegrini could be hoping for replacement grey matter for £32-million ($66m) man Eliaquim Mangala, Britain's most expensive defender who looks more like he cost 32 pence.

LOUIS VAN GAAL (MAN UNITED):A brand new hospital/A rejuvenation potion for Robin van Persie

A no-brainer given the Red Devils' ridiculously atrocious injury problems.

An alternative to that might be a salve that will make LVG's footballing godson RVP a full 10 years younger.

ARSENE WENGER (ARSENAL): A defender

Please Santa. Just give the Gunners what they really, really need. Please.

BRENDAN RODGERS (LIVERPOOL): A sack

No, not THE sack. Just a sack for ol' Brendan to put over his head for their next defeat. Assuming he actually comprehends the notion of being embarrassed.

SAM ALLARDYCE (WEST HAM): A 20-ton anvil

Given West Ham's lofty position, Big Sam might want the anvil to help him stay grounded lest his head gets too big.

RONALD KOEMAN (SOUTHAMPTON): A parachute

They might have beaten Everton to stop their slide, but Koeman might need a parachute just in case...

MAURICIO POCHETTINO (TOTTENHAM): Huge statues of the numbers '2' and '1'

Since 2-1 seems to be the scoreline Spurs love these days.

GARRY MONK (SWANSEA): Boxing gloves

To go with his boxing analogy after Swansea failed to kill off Spurs and succumbed to a (you guessed it) 2-1 defeat.

ALAN PARDEW (NEWCASTLE): A new owner

The Magpies seem to have recovered well from their disastrous start, but Pardew must be wishing for a better owner than Mike Ashley. Any kind oil barons/despots/arms dealers around?

SEAN DYCHE (BURNLEY): A copper-coloured tie

To match his splendid ginger hair.

ROBERTO MARTINEZ (EVERTON): A holiday away from Europe

Everton might be relishing their European adventures, but Martinez might be craving some time off given its negative effect on his side's EPL performances.

PAUL LAMBERT (ASTON VILLA): A Santa beard

One that especially looks like Roy Keane's facial hair to scare the bejesus out of the Aston Villa squad.

MARK HUGHES (STOKE CITY): The keys to La Masia

After signing former Barcelona youngsters Marc Muniesa and Bojan Krkic, it's pretty clear Sparky has a thing for the Catalans' youngsters. The Welshman might be thrilled to no end if he were given free reign to pick and choose players from Barca's fabled academy.

GUS POYET (SUNDERLAND): Drawing blocks and pencils

The perfect gift for the Premier League's draw specialists. They've drawn 10 of their 17 games.

ALAN IRVINE (WEST BROM): A colourful feathered hat

Few knew about Alan Irvine before he took the West Brom post and few will remember him if he ever gets the sack.

A funky hat will at least add some personality to one of the EPL's lower-profile bosses.

HARRY REDKNAPP (QPR): A clone of Charlie Austin

Harry will probably end up with Jermain Defoe instead, though.

NEIL WARNOCK (CRYSTAL PALACE): Mrs Doubtfire on Blu Ray

An old joke about the Eagles boss' appearance updated for 2014.

STEVE BRUCE (HULL CITY): A time machine

Brucey must really be wishing he could go back to the time when Hull were flying.

Or maybe to transfer deadline day to stop himself from borrowing Hatem Ben Arfa.

NIGEL PEARSON (LEICESTER CITY): Three points

Points are a rare commodity for the Foxes these days. Heck, even a point might give the poor man some cheer.

This article was first published on December 24, 2014.
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