It seems what you are really asking about is for next steps in being more comfortable in expressing your authentic sexuality – not sexual behaviour dedicated by somebody else, but coming from you.
Q: I recently had a fight with my boyfriend because he is into "kinky" stuff during sex and I'm not. I am very traditional and feel uncomfortable trying new things. I am not willing to give him oral sex, nor am I comfortable with receiving it. Am I being too prudish?
A: Since you are asking if you are too prudish, you probably already think you are. I think it is great that you can even acknowledge that you are uncomfortable with certain sexual acts. What would it be like not even knowing what you like, don’t like, want, and don’t want to do in the bedroom? Having said that, is this where you wish to stay?
It does not sound like you are being too prudish because to me, it seems what you are really asking about is for next steps in being more comfortable in expressing your authentic sexuality – not sexual behaviour dictated by somebody else, but coming from you.
It takes time to become more comfortable with your sexuality and it begins from first being willing to be open to trying new things. You may not be comfortable with or may even dislike certain sexual acts like oral sex at the beginning, but this does not mean that your attitude will not evolve with time. We are all on the journey of life – albeit a sexual one in this instance. And your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes will change in time.
All I suggest is that you remain open-minded to seek out answers yourself and try them out for yourself - even if tentatively - instead of relying on only hear-say. If you feel distressed about your sexuality and how it compares against your boyfriend’s, you may wish to seek professional support.
This Q&A was answered by Clinical Sexologist Dr Martha Lee. Dr Lee is the founder of Eros Coaching, a sexuality and intimacy coaching company which conducts sexuality coaching, counselling, as well as sexual education workshops. For more information, visit www.eroscoaching.com.
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