Two asexuals can be happily married, even if it means there's no (or very little) sex in the marriage. The lack of sex is only an issue if you feel it is an issue.
Q: I'm in my late-twenties and I'm engaged to be married at the end of the year. My fiance and I are quite physically affectionate - we kiss, hug and cuddle - but neither of us are particularly keen on sex. We are both asexual - we don't feel sexual attraction for each other, or anyone else. This has never bothered me in the past.
But some of our close friends have been telling us that this is abnormal and that we both need to get treatment, otherwise our married life will be doomed. We've tried all the stereotypical things like chocolates, wine, oysters, lighting, scent. They just don't seem to have any effect, and all of this 'trying' is making us both miserable.
I know our situation is unusual, but will our marriage be in trouble simply because we don't like to have sex? Is there some kind of treatment that my fiance and I must go for in order to be considered 'normal'? Can two asexuals be happily married, even if it means there's no (or very little) sex in the marriage?
A: Yes, two asexuals be happily married, even if it means there's no (or very little) sex in the marriage. The lack of sex is only an issue if you feel it is an issue. If both of you are truly happy, why does it matter what other say you ought to be doing in your relationship? Why is this any of their business anyway?
I suppose the deeper reason is: Why does it bother you? Or is it bothering your fiance – and this in turn is giving you a nagging feeling?
Explore and examine your attitude about sex and sexuality. If you do desire for sex and intimacy, what do you think you ought to do about it? Should speaking with your fiancé honestly and openly be the first step?
Perhaps it might be beneficial to check what you do like doing sexually and doing more of it – whether alone or with him. You may also wish to think through what you might like to try doing sexually, even if you haven’t done so or thought about it at all previously.
This Q&A was answered by Clinical Sexologist Dr Martha Lee. Dr Lee is the founder of Eros Coaching, a sexuality and intimacy coaching company which conducts sexuality coaching, counselling, as well as sexual education workshops. For more information, visit www.eroscoaching.com.
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