Humour: 5 things the gym is not

1. K Box

I signed up to work out, not to listen to you do your best karaoke version of "Let it Go" on the treadmill.

I totally understand you need to psych yourself up to kill that last uphill mile, but do it like Britney on stage ­- all cardio, no live audio.

2. A porn set

Heavy breathing (schoooo schooo schooo schoooo), grunting (nnnngggggggghhhhhh), hulking out (same as grunting but punctuated with an ghhhhaAAARRRRGGHHH) and the release (uuuhhhhhhhhhhhh) are sounds that should be left in the boudoir/budget hotel room/backseat of your hatchback.

If you can't lift something without sounding like you're trying to make someone's eyes roll into the back of their heads, try something a little lighter.

3. Your living room

There's nothing wrong with spending more time in the gym than you do at your own home.

But if I can tell from the sweat marks exactly how your butt was aligned on a bench or machine, you've crossed the line.

That fluffy thing hanging around your neck? It's called a towel.

Use it, you caveman.

4. The office

Yup, you better answer that e-mail from Ted in HR.

It has that adorable little red flag on it that says it's urgent.

Oh yeah, you better sit down to tippy-type your reply on your smartphone. Ted hates typos.

Here, why don't you sit on the weight bench, or the pec deck, or the leg press? Nobody uses those in the gym. Nooooobody. Nope.

And once you have typed that e-mail, why not check Facebook too?

5. The park

There is a reason the settings on a treadmill are labelled things like "cardio" and "fat burn", and not "stroll" and "dawdle".

Worse, after you crank it up all the way to "mosey", you start chatting with your gym BFF on the next treadmill about which salad dressing you should have later.

What's wrong with you? The answer is always "vinaigrette".

End of discussion.

Now stop hogging the treadmill so I can run.

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