I don't know whose is bigger - Zlatan Ibrahimovic's or Cristiano Ronaldo's. Don't get the wrong idea.
I'm talking about their egos.
In the do-or-die Sweden vs Portugal World Cup qualifying clash, the final score was Ronaldo 3 Ibrahimovic 2.
But after the loss, Zany Zlatan told us to forget about Brazil 2014 because, as he claimed, "a World Cup without me is nothing to watch".
Oh, you know Ibra.
He's the best centre-forward never to have played in the Premier League and his autobiography is called, humbly, I Am Zlatan.
The way England's own perennially injured central striker Andy Carroll's book will be called I Am Hospital.
Ibrahimovic's right. Without him, who's going to score four goals against England the way he did in a friendly last year?
That included one impossible overhead gem which defied not just geometry but also geography.
Oh, wait, maybe Lionel Messi may score five or Neymar might hit six.
England's national ego, you see, is a little brittle right now following consecutive losses to Chile and Germany at their home turf of Wobbly … sorry, Wembley.
It's the first time in 36 years that England have been beaten twice in a row at home.
Although I think Roy "Well done, lads" Hodgson takes personal comfort in the English tradition of losing many times before a fine cup of tea.
Egos, I tell you, are very important in football.
Ask Eric Cantona, the grand peacock who, when he led Manchester United cockily out last time, must have fought Alex Ferguson for the divine right to print his face on his shirt.
Or Daniel Sturridge, the chap with the biggest ego at Liverpool next to Luis Suarez's supremely confident mouth. Because when the ego has landed, even the eagle scurries away.
Before every match, Jose Mourinho, I'm sure, looks into the magic mirror and asks: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ego-iest of them all?"
Then, if that doesn't work to break a losing spell, he'd pray immodestly for Ramires, Hazard or the tea lady to fall in the penalty area for a last-gasp penalty.
That's how the ego wins matches. It simply refuses to lose.
But one, of course, must have the stuff to back up the ego.
Arsenal's forward, Nicklas Bendtner, once apparently described himself as the "best striker in the world".
The guy misses more opportunities to score than a eunuch at a hookers' convention.
So stay tuned for his egotistical autobiography - I Am Rubbish.
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