Breaking the cycle: 9 surprising ways you may be guilt-tripping your child

When a child is feeling guilty, it's often a sign that something is wrong in the parent-child relationship.

Many parents don't realise that their actions can cause guilt in children, especially if they're not getting the support they need from their parents.

In this article, we'll explore some of the most common ways parents cause guilt in kids and what you can do to prevent it from happening.

What are the signs that kids are feeling guilty

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It can be a great tool for driving kids to do the right thing, but it can also be a burden that makes them feel like they're constantly being watched.

Knowing how to spot guilt in your kids is important so you can help them if they're feeling guilty. 

It can be difficult to tell when a child feels guilty because they won't want to talk about it. They may also act out in other ways, such as becoming withdrawn or acting out.

Here are some signs that your child is feeling guilty:

• Your child is suddenly very quiet and doesn't want to talk about what happened.
• If your child has stopped doing something they normally love, like playing on the computer or reading a book.
• Your child starts acting out by being rude or disrespectful toward others and breaking the rules at home and school.
• Have trouble looking you in the eye.
• Have a hard time making eye contact with others.
• Lie about minor things, like saying they were at a friend's house when they were home alone playing video games or telling you they didn't eat the last cookie when you know they did.
• They are suddenly more interested in cleaning their room or doing chores, even if it's not something they've ever been interested in before.
• Feel anxious and uncomfortable around their friends and family members, especially if those people are the ones who have been making them feel bad about themselves lately by criticising them for their behaviour or appearance.

What is guilt tripping

Guilt tripping is making someone feel guilty about something they've done.

It can be a useful tool for parents when it's used to help children learn from their mistakes, but it can also be manipulative and hurtful if you're not careful.

The difference between guilt-tripping and being helpful is that guilt-tripping does not offer any solutions or make any change requests.

Guilt tripping is about making someone feel bad about something they've done to get them to do what you want them to do.

For example, if your child has been misbehaving at school and you ask them why they didn't listen to their teacher, a helpful response would offer an alternative behaviour next time: "Next time, call me right away so we can talk about how best to handle this situation."

A guilt-tripping response might sound like this: "You know what? You messed up today! I'm disappointed in you."

Guilt tripping is often subtle and difficult to recognise at first glance; however, once you become aware of common tactics used by manipulators - like using blame or shame to get what they want - you'll start noticing these tactics in everyday life more readily.

Nine ways you are unknowingly guilt-tripping your child 

You're probably a good parent, and you're not trying to guilt-trip your child. But the truth is that you might be doing just that without even realising it.

Here are some of the ways you may be guilt-tripping your kid without even knowing it:

1. Turning every discussion into an argument

If you're upset about something, chances are that your child will be upset about it too.

But when you turn every discussion into a debate, you're saying, "I'm right, and you're wrong," which may leave your child feeling like they need to defend themselves even if they disagree with what you're saying.

This can make them feel like they can't trust their feelings or instincts, which is never good for anyone!

2. Not allowing them their own space

Your child has a room, and they can close the door when they want to be alone or have some quiet time.

If you don't allow your child this space, they may feel like they're always being watched, making them feel guilty for doing something that is not wrong.

3. Having unrealistic expectations

Having unrealistic expectations is a surefire way to get your child to feel guilty.

You can ask your child to do something, and then you get disappointed when they don't do it. But what if they're not feeling well? Or what if they need to be in the mood?

If you have unrealistic expectations of your children or expect them to be able to do things beyond their ability, it will only cause them to feel like they've failed you.

It's important to remember that children are going through many changes every day - growth spurts, learning new skills, trying out different personalities - and these things can make them feel like they need more time and attention than usual.

It's up to us as parents to help them through these changes by setting realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids.

4. Telling your children that you're sacrificing for them without considering their feelings

As parents, we have a lot on our plates. Between work, school, and all the other things that fill up our days, it can be easy to forget how much we put on ourselves.

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But when it comes to our kids, we must ensure that they know what sacrifices we make for them.

When you tell your children about the sacrifices you make for them but don't consider their feelings about it — for example, if you tell them that you missed a day of work so they could go to an event with their friends — you're guilting them into thinking they owe something back in return. 

And while this may seem like a good strategy for getting your kid to do something (like go to an event) or stop doing something (like talking back too much), it's not helping anyone in the long run.

5. Comparing them to other children.

Comparing your child to other children can make them feel like they are somehow lacking.

If you constantly compare their behaviour and accomplishments to others, it can cause them to feel like they're never good enough.

This is especially true if you bring up the size of their friends' houses or the age of their siblings. Doing this can make your child feel like they should always be doing better than everyone else or that they aren't good enough as they are.

You don't need to compare them to others for them to learn about themselves!

6. Using empty threats

When you're a parent, it can be hard to remember that there's a difference between discipline and guilt-tripping.

We all grew up hearing things like "You'll be sorry when you're older" or "If you don't do this, I'm going to make you suffer." But those kinds of empty threats teach our kids that they have no control over their own lives - which is not the message we want to send!

7. Threatening to disown your child

Threatening to disown your child is a guilt trip that will certainly make your child feel bad.

When you threaten to disown your child, it will only make them feel as if they've done something wrong, and it can cause them to feel as if they are not good enough for you to keep.

8. Accusing them of being ungrateful when they get mad at you for not buying what they want

If you're a parent, chances are you have probably been guilty of this before. You do something for your child, and then they get angry. You may even feel like it's their fault for getting upset in the first place.

The truth is, however, that children can't help but feel disappointed when things don't turn out the way they want them to. It's especially true if you've told them something and then changed your mind at the last minute.

9. Making your child feel guilty for spending time with their friends or having fun

When you make your child feel guilty for spending time away from home, it's like telling them that their hobbies and interests aren't important enough for them to pursue. It also implies that spending time with you is more important than what they enjoy doing.

If you want your child to be happy and healthy, encourage them to participate in meaningful and fulfilling activities, even if they don't include spending time with you.

If your child says no when asked if they'd like to join in on an activity, don't take this as a sign that they don't care about you or want to spend time with you — instead, see it as an opportunity for self-care!

Maybe they need some alone time today, or maybe they're feeling tired or stressed out; whatever the reason may be, we all must make sure we're taking care of ourselves so that we can be there for our children. 

What are the consequences of guilt-tripping your child

Guilt-tripping your child is a terrible idea, and it can have some pretty dire consequences for the relationship between you and your kid. Here are a few ways guilt-tripping can hurt your relationship:

• It teaches them that you don't trust them. Kids need to be able to trust their parents, and if they feel like you don't trust them, that will be hard for them.
• It makes them feel bad about themselves. If you're always guilt-tripping your kids, that means they're not feeling good about themselves - and who wants to spend time with someone who doesn't feel good about themselves? Not me!
• It makes them feel guilty too! Kids internalise everything around them, so if they know that their parents are constantly in a state of guilt-tripping, they'll start feeling guilty all the time too - and there's no way that's good for anyone involved.

How to avoid guilt tripping your child

Guilt is a powerful emotion, and it can be hard to avoid using it as a parenting tool.

You might feel like you're doing the right thing by guilt-tripping your child into cleaning up their room, finishing their homework, or getting out of bed in the morning. But guilt can backfire on parents, who can end up feeling guilty themselves - and that's not what we're going for!

So how do you avoid guilt-tripping your kid? Here are some tips:

• Understand that you are not the problem
• Don't constantly remind your child that they have hurt you
• Observe your own behaviour
• Do not give unrealistic expectations
• Don't mistreat your child because of guilt
• Set boundaries with your child
• Work on being more open-minded and less judgmental
• Make sure to express your love for them

Tips to help kids how to deal with guilt

A common feeling in childhood is guilt. It can be hard to know how to deal with it, but there are some things you can do to make it easier on your kid and yourself.

Here are some tips to help your child deal with guilt:

1. Be mindful of your tone

The first step in helping your kid deal with guilt is to be mindful of your tone.

As a parent, you know that guilt is a natural feeling everyone experiences at some point in life. But kids are especially sensitive to how they're being treated, so if you approach them with anger or frustration, they may not feel like they can come to you for help.

Instead, try using an empathetic tone and approach them with compassion. Tell them that you understand how hard it must be for them to feel guilty and explain why this is normal (eg, "It's normal to feel guilty when we do something wrong.") Then ask questions that help them understand their feelings ("What are you feeling guilty about?").

2. Focus on what's important

When a child feels guilty, it's usually because they've done something that caused someone else pain or discomfort — or at least made them upset in some way.

But when we focus all of our attention on the act itself rather than the consequences of that act, we can start to lose sight of what matters: how our actions affect others around us.

So next time your child feels guilty, try asking them what they think would improve the situation instead of focusing on why they did what they did.

3. Focus on their feelings

When helping your kids deal with guilt, it's important to focus on their feelings. Most importantly, they feel heard and understood, especially when they feel bad about something they did wrong.

When you can validate their feelings and help them understand what they did wrong, it will be much easier for them to move on.

4. Communicate your intentions

When you feel guilty about something, the most important thing is, to be honest about it.

If you want to make amends and apologise, then do so. If you want to try to fix what went wrong and improve things, then do that too.

Being honest about your intentions will help kids understand why they are feeling guilty in the first place, and it can also help them understand that there is a way out of their guilt.

5. Help them take responsibility

Help them take responsibility for their actions, but don't hold them responsible for things they can't control.

For example, if a sibling breaks your brother or sister's toy, help your kids understand that it was their sibling's fault (and make sure they apologise), but don't let them feel guilty about something beyond their control.

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This article was first published in theAsianparent.