Dating in Phase 2: Getting past the awkward 'first' date
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PUBLISHED ONJuly 16, 2020 3:37 AMByHayley Tai
By now, we should know that the state of the “new normal” changes every few weeks. While the leisure spaces are beginning to open their doors to us in Phase 2, we’re also encouraged to keep outdoor activities to a moderate level.
But this is by no means an excuse for you to go back into hibernation and avoid all forms of social interaction. And ladies, it’s time to get your game face on if you’re headed out for that “first” date.
Enter the awkward first date, a newfound phase in the long list of odd millennial-dating habits caused by Covid-19. When you’ve been cooped up for too long and hiding behind Zoom dates (where you can conveniently dim the lighting and chat in your pyjamas), having physical contact with your significant other can be intimidating.
You’re suddenly experiencing all the things you felt on an actual first date months ago – getting anxious over the way you look and spending way too long fussing over petty things like eyeliner and a pair of jeans.
Angela Quek, a 26 year-old teacher, has fallen victim to this syndrome. “I don’t even know why I feel this way. I used to take 30 min to dress up, put on pull-face makeup, and didn’t even need to double-check my eyeliner,” she shares.
“But yesterday, before my date, I actually took up a full hour to put on make-up and try different outfits. All I could think about was ‘What if he thinks I look different after not seeing me for so long?’”
I just started dating and our conversations feel stale after not seeing each other for so long
It’s especially harder when you’re in a fresh relationship. Couples who’re wrapped in the “honeymoon phase” veil are likely to see a lot of tears in the fabric now, no thanks to Covid-19.
Clinical sexologist and certified relationship counselor Dr. Martha Tara Lee explains that the awkwardness of meeting again in real life is related to the expectation of “going back to normal”.
She says: “Let go of the belief that things need to ‘feel’ the same regardless of how much time has passed for it to be a real friendship (or relationship). Most people do need some time to reconnect and open up and hence, the importance of small talk.”
Patience is a virtue…that many of us don’t possess. So here’s a tip: Instead of rushing to go back to the way things were, why not sit down and thrash out your feelings to each other? That way, you’ll both be caught up with how you’re both feeling about the relationship, says Lee.
“Be honest and vulnerable about how you are feeling awkward about meeting again,” she explains. “It can deepen your relationship and facilitate more conversations around what matters.”
We met, and he’s asked for some space and time-off, what do I do?
Give it to him. But that doesn’t mean you should blindly agree to his terms. Perhaps, finding the root of the problem will make you feel at ease (and you won’t end up aggressively stalking his social media) during the cooling-off period.
You also need to reevaluate your role as a supportive partner. The pandemic has certainly put a lot of stress on couples, especially those who previously met and updated each other 24/7.
Have you been wanting to know about every single detail in his life? Questioning his choices? Getting upset at his decisions? If so, Lee suggests that these are some signs of being too controlling as a partner.
“Control over someone has to do with one’s own insecurities and need for security,” she explains. “This however has a counter intuitive effect because it might repel the person and result in a desire to get away from the relationship.”
If things go south and he asks for an official breakup, don’t panic. “He probably wants to end things off for reasons other than the circuit breaker, but he’s just pinning it to the circuit breaker,” Lee says.
“The desire for space physically, psychologically and emotionally might probably be on their mind for some time.”
Lee suggests that the best way about it is to try having another conversation. “Let him know you’re open to listening to what he has to say and you want to know what hasn’t been working in your relationship.”
So we’ve tried everything, but it has been really difficult to warm up to each other...what now?
Well, there’s no shame in asking for some good, old-fashioned help.
“Couples should seek relationship counseling or therapy when they feel that they have tried to resolve some of the issues by themselves (same fights) for some time without any resolution – for instance over a period of six months or longer,” says Lee.
Your relationship can be salvaged if you put effort into repairing the cracks. Lee shares that couples tend to seek out counseling too late, because they don’t want to share something so personal with a stranger.
“Most people aren’t trained to handle emotional conflicts and might resort to sweeping things under the carpet, avoiding talking about sensitive topics, and trying to wait-and-see if things will improve for too long,” she says.
“A relationship counselor or therapist can support in facilitating communication, and teaching what we don’t know in order to lead better and happier lives.”
This article was first published in Her World Online.