Oh, bite me!

Fifa should put its money where its mouth is when it comes to Luis Suarez. I mean the man's bite is worse than his bark. Wouldn't you agree, il mio amico (my friend)?

There, I have gone and made the Liverpool man hungry by sandwiching two trite phrases between some Italian.

Well, you have to admit the Liverpool man does have an appetite for game. It's the third time he's turned the beautiful game into a bountiful one by sinking his teeth into Italy's Giorgio Chiellini in a Group D match yesterday morning.


Fifa should really think out of the box on this one and do it fast before the Uruguayan turns the game into his personal buffet.

So in the interest of game (sports not food) I have come up with some new football rules to assist them.

But before I do that I must urge Fifa not to be afraid to implement my suggestions - a football body is not a real body so it is safe from El Moutho.

And now on to my suggestions.

Firstly I would urge Fifa to make mouth guards a must for Suarez and any other footballer who takes his cue from a piranha. Just look at the rugby players. They wear mouth guards to protect their teeth.

Only with Suarez, they'd protect us from his.

And think of the advertising revenue such guards might bring. Emblazoned on each guard can be a company's name so every time a player yells at a referee, the company gets a plug.

So when the player says: "Aaargh! You #$&@$, ref!" All you'll see is "BUY X XXXX SOMETHING AND GET ANOTHER FREE".

That means nearly every free-kick and if there's a penalty - jackpot.

And now that Poker brand 888 said it was reviewing its sponsorship deal with Suarez, the man himself might not be too difficult to persuade.


Another suggestion I would like Fifa to consider: Have bite-detection technology.

In the game the referee missed Suarez's mid-afternoon snack. So why not have something like the Hawkeye goal detection system. We can call it Snackeye.

So the bytes can keep an eye on the bites. Every time teeth touches body, we'll know. How, Fifa? Does that whet your appetite?

My third suggestion, send the offending teeth off. Fifa should have trained dentists on the sidelines. When Snackeye detects a man with a misbehaving molar, the referee can halt the game, red card the teeth and the dentist can yank em' out. The game can then continue.

My final suggestion is a simple one. Feed players a ton of food before the game. This way they'll be too full to take a bite. But that may cause some long-term problems.

There will be so many potbellied butterballs on the field, it may resemble a giant pool table.

A game of 11-ball anyone?

Other Suarez controversies

l July 2010: During the 2010 World Cup quarter-finals, Suarez prevents Ghana's Dominic Adiyiah from scoring in the final minute with a deliberate handball on the line and is subsequently sent off. A penalty was awarded but missed by Asamoah Gyan and footage showed Suarez celebrating on the sidelines. Uruguay eventually went through to the last four on penalties.

l November 2010: Handed a seven-match ban by the Dutch FA and fined by his club for biting PSV Eindhoven midfielder Otman Bakkal during an Eredivisie match.

l October 2011: Alleged to have racially abused Manchester United's Patrice Evra during a Premier League match. Later found guilty, banned for eight matches and fined £40,000 ($85,000).

l February 2012: United and Liverpool met again at Old Trafford, but more controversy blew up as Suarez refuses to shake Evra's hand before kick-off.

l October 2012: Celebrates a goal against Everton by diving in front of Toffees boss David Moyes, who had earlier claimed that ''divers'' such as Suarez were putting fans off the English game.

l April 2013: Bites Branislav Ivanovic on the arm. Fined by club the following day and subsequently handed a 10-match ban.

This article was first published on June 26, 2014.
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