Prescription to treat Luis

Dear Fifa,

Thank you for referring this young man, Luis Suarez, to me.

I treated him for five hours - four of which were spent measuring the size of his mouth, sharpness of his teeth and depth of his throat cavity.

I have to admit that his mouth is certainly the most interesting I've examined. I've spent 40 years in clinical psychiatry but I've never seen a teething problem as acute as this - since all my previous patients were aged only about 27 months, not 27 years old.

I can safely conclude that Mr Suarez is human. He's not a shark, piranha, mad dog or related in any way to a werewolf or vampire. So, you can return all those tranquillisers for sedation back to the World Wildlife Fund or Spain's national team, whichever one you ordered from.

I can also conclude that Mr Suarez, with his insatiable appetite for goals, is and always will be a very hungry man.

Like Mike Tyson, the ex-boxing animal who once bit off the ear of Evander Holyfield, he's a very emotional creature.

However, unlike former basketball star, Dennis Rodman, who goes to North Korea for couples therapy with Kim Jong Un, Mr Suarez isn't suited for the insane asylum.

I advise against it because, apart from his big mouth, there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong with him.

No, I strongly urge that Mr Suarez be excused from the dressing room and be sent to a restaurant instead before the start of every match.

I suggest, however, that Dutch, Serbian and now Italian food be taken off the menu since he has already tasted footballers of such nations and, as in rehabilitating a man-eating tiger, we should wean him off those flavours.

For his well-being, Mr Suarez should also not be permitted to watch TV series Hannibal, movie Jaws nor listen to the music of 1980s British band Fine Young Cannibals.

Now, I understand that Fifa has imposed a substantially heavy ban of four months and nine games for Uruguay on Mr Suarez. I suppose that is necessary to put some bite into his punishment.

I wish him a speedy recovery.

Dr Sigmund Fraud

Sports psychiatrist


This article was first published on June 29, 2014.
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