A quick peek through a murky transfer window

Now that it is almost done, it is time to take stock of what really goes on behind closed doors.

Not Real Madrid's supposedly real mad fee for Gareth Bale and Tottenham Hotspur's 50 lawyers.

I am talking about the transfer window that is about to slam shut tighter than Arsene Wenger's wallet.

What are those English Premier League managers doing right now?

David Moyes, I think, will be moving new furniture into his Manchester United office.

Finally, he can get rid of the chair Alex Ferguson sat on for the last 500 years.

First though, he has to persuade Fergie to get his butt out of that chair because I believe that when nobody is around, the old man is still there.

Moyes will be adding two more essential personnel to his team - the feng shui master and the exorcist.

The feng shui guy will find out just which cursed corner needs a divine water feature for Moyes' bad luck of not landing anyone famous.

The exorcist will attempt to expel that spirit of mischief currently lurking somewhere.

It could be in a filing cabinet, the tea room, executive loo, but most likely it is sitting on the smirking face of Wayne Rooney.

Jose Mourinho, meanwhile, is getting ready to open up his autograph book.

His book is different from yours and mine in that it isn't packed with other people's signatures.

Instead, it is filled page to page with his own name because it seems that he is so loved that everyone wants to join him at Chelsea.

That makes The Happy One the most desired man in football next to a world-class bookie.

I don't believe this to be true, but I heard that when Samuel Eto'o joined Mourinho, Andre Villas-Boas, who had Willian snatched from him like a kidnapped baby, felt more betrayed than even Julius Caesar when he asked: "Et tu, Eto'o?"

AVB is planning seriously for AVP - Andre vs Predator - against Lovable Jose right now because you would never forgive your best friend for stealing your sweetheart at the altar then gloating about how it was still fair game if you did a medical check-up before the ring was on the finger.

You haven't seen Portuguese people this worked up since Vasco da Gama went exploring.

Over at Arsenal, Arsene Wenger is busy watching The Manchurian Candidate.

That's the old movie about a brainwashed assassin because Wenger's latest theory is that Arsenal fans have been brainwashed by constant negativity.

The fact that Arsenal haven't collected so much as a parking ticket in years has absolutely nothing to do with that pessimism.

Again I don't believe this is true, but apparently, Wenger thinks that brainwashing can be cured by a good dry-cleaning.

Mr Scrooge would definitely be doing this.

As soon as he can find some coins to pay for it.


Get a copy of The Straits Times or go to straitstimes.com for more stories.