It is inevitable. Debauchery attracts douchebags.
These nocturnal creatures come in all 50 shades of obnoxious. They either cut queues at heaving bars, dance like they were tasered, look down on the slightest gap in your clubbing knowledge or just vomit on your dancing shoes.
Not all have ill intentions, but they are a sickness. These nasty human-looking creatures of the night(life) should be quarantined.
Since they are not listed as a dangerous (hopefully endangered) species, here are eight types to look out for.
Tweet me at @zulandra and share your night life experiences with the hashtag #TNPSUN
THE HOT MESS
With model-like features and a quasi-celebrity swagger, this particular punter is a head-turner.
But what many do not realise is that the hot mess is an emotional time bomb - and she is about to explode.
Not everyone goes out to celebrate. Some are out to drown their sorrows. Some are in a cage of denial - the key to which is just a few drinks.
They usually end up falling through a bottomless pit of misery. And misery loves company. Do not be that company.
THE SOCIAL MEDIA JUNKIE
While people are partying, this busy bunch is tweeting and updating Facebook statuses, posting pictures on Instagram and Shazam- ing unknown tracks. The last thing you want to do is to get between them and their social media whoring.
That is because you are non-existent. Hey, even the actual party is non-existent to them. They just happen to be there, reporting it "live".
For these revellers, all their debauchery and social interaction is in cyberspace, farming for "likes". They live in that virtual bubble. Do not pop it. They might have some actual fun.
THE GAS PUMP ATTENDANT
Have you heard that horrible dance track Champagne Showers by LMFAO? It inspired a breed of clubber that finds inebriated joy in wasting expensive champagne in fountains of excess?
If you have somehow escaped the song, you will get what I mean when it starts to rain bubbly.
These folk flaunt their wealth - monetary not mental - by discharging drinks. From the bottle across the room by way of your face, head, clothes and the ceiling.
They may spend like they work in high finance, but I call them a name that only rhymes with "bankers".
THE VETERAN SPG
Ah, the glory years of the Sarong Party Girl (SPG) are long gone. Or have they?
Having risen to infamy in the 1990s, the SPGs - provocatively dressed Asian women with a fake Western accent and a penchant for white men - seem to have disappeared in recent years.
But some SPGs who have lost or had no luck are still on the prowl.
You cannot miss these seasoned predators. Buried under thick makeup, dressed in tight-fitting clothes your mother - also their age - would not approve of and smelling like a burning perfume factory, they are walking national monuments.
But apologies to any ang moh friends. You are on your own. Which leads us to the chap on the right...
Like a pimple on your nose that will not go away, the hangers-on are a blight on your night out (and civilisation as a whole).
They are quick to bootlick, glorify and cling on to anyone of standing from a club or bar. You will see them loitering around owners, managers, DJs, promoters, bartenders, and bouncers just hoping for that free ride.
Most of them can be found in the DJ console, telling stories - that they do not figure in themselves - of the high and mighty, hoping to achieve that delusional taste of fame by association.
You can save others from being taken in by discreetly crooking your little finger - it is a special sign that alerts any would-be victim to the hanger-on's intentions.
THE PROJECT X-ER
The film Project X - about three teenagers throwing a riotous house party, birthed a wave of YOLO - You Only Live Once for the over 35s - idiots out for the ultimate party.
Instead of adolescents who actually hit the club, these are the ones who are sitting outside to get wasted. These drunken dervishes have no concept of personal space, vomit into things that should not be vomited into and pick fights.
Less of a Hollywood movie and more of a National Geographic documentary on animals misbehaving.
Like the judgmental fellow who is writing this column, the gatekeepers are just as judgmental and out to ruin a night with one-upmanship.
These predators prey on your social and pop culture faux pas, waiting to pounce - claws bared - and express their disapproval to your face. They come in the form of holier-than-thou bartenders, door ladies or may even be one of your friends.
Unable to tell the difference between gin and vodka? Techno and tech house or Christian Dior and Christian Louboutin? The gatekeepers will delight in your ignorance with rude remarks and dramatic convulsions. Don't you know anything?
THE OBNOXIOUS EXPAT
Let us not generalise. Not all expatriates are obnoxious - there are plenty of obnoxious locals too.
But if you have ever been in a bar catering to an international clientele, expect some united colours of ugly behaviour.
Toppled drinks, broken glasses, relentless grunting, chest-beating and ape-like behaviour are all common attributes. Or they are just extremely loud.
The men can be just as bad.
The common belief is that this is how they party back home and they have brought that brand of "merriment" here. It's kind of like a virus.
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