WACKY BOXING DAY
It's that time of year when grown men dress in funny red and white clothes and go a little crazy.
But enough about Vincent Tan, let's talk Christmas presents. It's that time of year to give away lots and lots of gifts. But enough about West Ham's defence, let's try and focus here.
Here's what each EPL team really need from Santa.
- A batphone
It's red, obviously, it only has one line and it only ever calls one destination: Sam Allardyce's office.
Christmas is a time for miracles, but even Christmas couldn't flog Andy Carroll, Stewart Downing and Joe Cole to West Ham for more than $50 million (not including wages). That's not a miracle. That's insanity.
The Reds kept their crown jewels and sold the scrap metal to the Hammers. The batphone should call Fabio Borini any day now.
2) MANCHESTER CITY
- Travel sickness pills
During cheap, childhood seaside holidays with the family as a kid, my sister would eat all her sweets before we left our house, drink all the Ribena before we left the street and throw up in the back seat before we left the town.
For years, she couldn't travel anywhere without smelling of stale vomit. She still travelled better than Manchester City.
- A backbone
The Gunners have everything else; talent, a tidy blend of youth and experience and a diminutive German genius.
It's just that when the going gets tough, they appear to have the spine of a Christmas trifle. They're pretty, but wobble more often than Steve Bruce celebrating a goal on the touchline.
- A personalised Nikica Jelavic pair of socks
We always get socks for Christmas. They do a job for us. But as the New Year comes around, we've already forgotten about the socks and, in some cases, got rid of them.
That's Nikica Jelavic in January.
- A time-machine
In the paraphrased words of the mad, grey-haired one (no, not Jose Mourinho, but Doc Brown in Back to the Future): "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads. We're going back to 2004 when Petr Cech still had visible hair, John Terry still had legs and Ashley Cole hadn't shot anyone."
Mourinho doesn't need a transfer window. He needs a DeLorean.
- An English goal-scorer
Twenty-two of Newcastle's 24 Premier League goals this season have been scored by Frenchmen.
A Frenchman hasn't scored this many times in Newcastle since David Ginola went clubbing after the Magpies' Christmas party.
- Nick Leeson's autobiography Rogue Trader
For younger readers, Leeson was once a broker in Singapore. Back in 1995, he wasted hundreds of millions of dollars.
Tottenham know the feeling. There hasn't been this much money lavished on pretty, but pointless, trinkets since Paris Hilton went shopping. Rogue Trader's life lessons might make for grim reading.
8) MAN UNITED
- A reality check
United are struck down with Former Big Club syndrome. They see Ashley Young, Tom Cleverley and Patrice Evra plodding around and still think they are watching a Current Big Club.
They need a reality check for Christmas; someone to explain what decline is and tell them how to give up on titles and get excited about League Cup semi-finals instead. Any Liverpool supporter will do.
- A comedy DVD
Everyone likes a laugh at Christmas. It's a time to sit back and look at the best bloopers. Artur Boruc's goalkeeping blunders should do the trick.
- A lawnmower
When Mark Hughes took over, Stoke suffered delusions of grandeur. They thought they could play football. In recent matches, hoofing the ball up to Peter Crouch has paid dividends. In the Potteries, grass is used for cows and nothing more.
11) SWANSEA CITY
- A locked cupboard
Buy the Swans a locked cupboard and stick the League Cup in it. Michael Laudrup's men are at risk of becoming a washed-up Hollywood actor still living off a decades-old Oscar win.
Since the League Cup victory in February, Swansea have tumbled more times than Ashley Young.
12) HULL CITY
- Psy's Gangnam Style video
If Steve Bruce insists on dancing on the touchline, he might as well bust some moves that are vaguely contemporary. Right now, he looks like his body parts are controlled by different people.
13) ASTON VILLA
- Christian Benteke
They want Christian Benteke for Christmas, the real one, not the imposter currently trudging around the penalty box like a Sunday-morning pub player.
- Another manager sacked
With West Brom axing Steve Clarke and Tottenham getting rid of the bearded teenager, everyone's forgotten about Chris Hughton.
Cardiff fans said they are willing to put up with any overseas owner as long as he is marginally less mad than Vincent Tan. The only person who qualifies is Borat. Apparently, Borat (above) plans to give the director of football job to his son's best friend - the village donkey.
16) WEST BROM
- Any gift they can return
They learnt their lesson with Nicolas Anelka.
17) WEST HAM
- The Pink Star
Recently sold for US$83 million ($103.5m), the Pink Star is the world's most expensive diamond. There's more chance of getting it than asking for a fit Andy Carroll for Xmas.
18) CRYSTAL PALACE
- A 1998 coaching manual
That was the last time anyone played a 4-4-2 long ball game. Apparently, there is only one 1998 manual left. Tony Pulis never leaves home without it.
- The rarest talent
Fulham want someone unique, someone special; someone who truly stands out. Anyone under 30 will do.
- A West Brom 2004-05 DVD
The Baggies remain the only EPL side to beat relegation after being bottom on Christmas Day. Their great escape in 2005 could be inspiration.
If that doesn't work, Sunderland could watch a more relevant DVD... like Titanic.
Get The New Paper for more stories.