Call your brother kor kor

SINGAPORE - Ms Joyce Lee likes it when her 68-year-old paternal grandmother chides her younger brother for calling her "ey" instead of "cheh" (Chinese dialect for older sister).

"My grandmother would say, 'That's your older sister. What do you mean by 'ey'?", says Ms Lee, 26, who runs Ah Seah Teochew Porridge at Teck Chye Terrace with her aunt.

Her parents, seafood business owners who are in their late 40s, do not correct her 21-year-old brother, although they give him a "look" of disapproval when he does it, says Ms Lee, 26.

She adds: "I've never corrected him because I know he's just being the cheeky younger brother. But I prefer him to call me 'cheh', of course. It's more respectful."

With her own children, two sons aged six and two, she says she will urge them to address each other as "kor kor" and "di di" (dialect for elder and younger brother) till adulthood.

"I feel it's sweet if they do that. Who ever hears of anyone calling siblings by 'kor' and 'cheh' into adulthood?" says Ms Lee, a single mother who lives with her sons in a five-room HDB in Serangoon Central.

She is right. The Asian practice of addressing one's siblings according to birth order is increasingly neglected as children grow up. Few families SundayLife! spoke to say they carry on with the practice in adulthood.

Dr Lee Guan Kin, Distinguished Senior Research Fellow of the Centre for Chinese Language and Culture at Nanyang Technological University says: "The practice is not as prevalent today as in previous generations".

She adds that with Westernisation of Singapore, "which emphasises equality, rather than Chinese cultures, which emphasise hierarchy, and the loss of dialect use", the practice is on the wane.

This also appears to be the case for Indian sisters Manoranjitham Tamilselvan, 21, and Indumathi, 17.

Ms Manoranjitham, a National University of Singapore applied mathematics undergraduate, says they were taught the proper Tamil terms but she calls her younger sister "Indu".

"I don't ever recall calling her thangachi, she says, using the Tamil word for 'younger sister'. "Maybe because we speak more in English and Tamil terms sound more complex," she adds.

Indumathi, who will start polytechnic studies in April, says: "I just call her Ranji."

Their parents are more concerned that the girls abide by their family rules.

Their father, Dr Tamilselvan Thangayah, managing director of an eco-building material production company, called his elder siblings by rank and younger ones by name.

He says: "Things like respecting others, associating with the right company, not staying out late, and not smoking or drinking are important. It's not derogatory that they call each other by their names."

Indeed, Tamil Murasu's deputy editor, Mr Azhagiya Pandiyan, 49, says: "In Indian families, where the main medium of communication is the English language, the customary ways may not feature prominently. So, siblings just call one another by name."

He explains that the term for an older sister is "akka" while an older brother is "annan", with appropriate prefixes to indicate birth order. So, "mooththa akka" refers to eldest sister and "mooththa annan", eldest brother.

Mr Bernie Ong, 46, who runs HomesittingSG, a pet and home-sitting service, says his English-speaking family is more "Westernised" than his wife's. So he, his 49-year-old brother and 42-year-old sister have referred to one another by name from young.

But for his wife Christina Lim, a Singapore permanent resident originally from Malaysia, her three younger siblings and a sister-in-law address her as "da jie" (Mandarin for elder sister), even in their WhatsApp group chats.

Ms Lim, an assistant manager in academic administrative matters at the National University of Singapore, 40, says verbal forms of acknowledging hierarchy mean something deeper.

"It's important to treasure your Chinese heritage. Customary address heightens a sense of who you are," says Ms Lim, who had spent seven years studying and working in Britain and Switzerland.

She and her husband want their son Darren, four, to refer to older brother Axel, six, as kor kor, though it is okay for Axel to call his younger brother by his name.

Mr Ong says: "We drill them on the proper way of calling each other, though sometimes Darren forgets and calls his brother by name."

At home, when she talks to the boys, Ms Lim says: "I always remind them of their hierarchy by referring to Axel as 'kor kor' and Darren as 'di di'."

Mr Ong adds: "Just because I didn't practise this in my family doesn't mean they shouldn't do it. I see that it still works in my wife's family and it's not a bad thing as it instils family values."

In the family of 34-year-old stay-at- home mum Lenna Chong, the middle of five children, the practice is patchy.

"One of my younger sisters calls me 'er jie' or second sister but we don't call our eldest sister 'da jie' or big sister. We just call her by her name, Lily or Ah Li," she says with a laugh. Her youngest sister addresses her by name.

Her eldest sister declined to be interviewed but Mrs Chong says she "does not mind" the casual address.

"We don't mean any disrespect. Calling by name or rank, we just use what feels more natural," she says.

Still, she and her 39-year-old property agent husband refer to their children in Mandarin as "jie jie" (elder sister) or "di di" (younger brother), depending on whether they are talking to their six-year-old daughter or two-year-old son.

Retired teacher Mohamed Naim Daipi, 64, who is well versed in customary Malay familial hierarchies, says that in Malay homes, sibling order is indicated by terms such as "sulong" (eldest), "tengah" (second) and "bongsu" (youngest).

Adding "abang" or "kakak" to one of these terms indicates gender and rank. For instance, "abang long" means eldest brother.

However, this type of address "has gone out of style" because families have shrunk, with couples having just one or two children, says Mr Naim.

"So siblings just call each other 'abang' or 'adik' (younger brother)," he says, adding that the youngest three of his four children, aged 30, 24 and 18, address their 43-year-old sister "kakak" (elder sister).

According to him, Malay families generally still use these traditional forms of address, even if they are simplified.

Undergraduate Izzalina Mohamad Ali's family continues to use the longer, more complex forms of address, though.

The 24-year-old says her parents - civil servant mother Zaharah Mohd Zain, 50, and father Mohamad Ali Osman, 52, a cabin crew member - insist that her youngest two siblings, aged 17 and 14, accord their older sisters proper respect even now.

Miss Izzalina is "kaklong" and her second sister, 22-year-old undergraduate Nadia, is "kakngah".

She likes it that the title "reasserts" her position as chief sibling. However, the bigger title means more responsibilities.

"When mum comes home and the flat is messy, I am the one who's questioned," says Ms Izzalina, who is also expected to cook.

Younger brother Adam, who is studying at ITE College East, says it is "cool" to refer to his older sisters by their rank.

"You can really feel the bond among siblings compared to just calling them 'kakak'," says the 17-year-old.

Secretary Elsie Tan, in her 60s, says there is no way she can call her elder brother by name - even now because the sense of deference has been so ingrained in her.

Ms Tan, who is single, lives with her 65-year-old brother, retired accountant R. Tan, and his four grown children in their bungalow in the east.

"I've called him 'hia' from the time I can remember," says Ms Tan, referring to the Hokkien term for older brother.

Her strict maternal grandmother, who lived with her family, made sure of it.

"If my brother and I fought, and I called him by name, she'd scold me in Peranakan and Hokkien, 'Kurang ajeh. Bo tua, bo sueh.'"

Translated, that means: "Rude. No respect for those older or younger."

Although she continues to use the respectful, traditional terms of addressing her sibling, Ms Tan feels that using customary terms of address does not automatically foster bonding.

She adds: "You see feuds in families where parents favour one child over another, regardless of whether they call each other by rank or name."

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