He can do better
After a decade of marriage, Oscar-winning Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are calling it quits.
Yesterday they released a statement on Goop, her ridiculous luxe lifestyle blog, saying: "It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate...We are and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been."
Whatever you say, guys.
We all know that nothing brings a family closer together like divorce.
It's impossible to know what went on between Paltrow and Martin and it's presumptuous for an outsider to lay blame in these situations, but I'm going to go ahead and blame Paltrow anyway.
With her blonde hair, beautiful smile and lithe figure, she has always looked like a fairytale princess.
She grew up the privileged daughter of a Hollywood producer and an actress. She has been appearing in movies since she was a teen and won an Oscar in her 20s for Shakespeare In Love. She's in the Iron Man movies.
It's no exaggeration to say that she is one of the fanciest ladies on Earth, which makes it easy to imagine how a dorky, middle-class English bloke like Martin would fall head-over-heels in love with her. She's the ultimate trophy!
That said, I wouldn't marry such a woman in a million years. (Yes, she wouldn't marry me in a BILLION years. Can we move on?)
For all her outward beauty, glamour and success, the woman has always struck me as a lame-o.
In interview after interview, she comes across as bored and - worse - boring. She's one of those people who has to work very hard to say the correct thing because she's always thinking horrible things and has a ton of haters.
Over the years, she's made cryptic comments about her marriage that seem fair-minded, but are really more just self-serving and/or fatalistic.
"Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs," she told the Daily Telegraph in 2011.
"It's like we're flawed - we're human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge." Blech.
What she was really trying to say was that she's got a seven-year itch that needs to be scratched red and raw.
Indeed, she's been dogged by cheating rumours. This is a woman who, with all her talent and influence, chose to spend most of her time blogging about expensive stuff.
Gwyneth Paltrow is basically just a rich chick.
Chris Martin is a great musician and artist. The dude can do better and should find a sweetheart who will be contented with a rich, handsome and talented rock star.
Cut her some slack
Here's a joke - "Gwyneth Paltrow: Refers to her separation as 'uncoupling' because HEY, someone had to make divorce pretentious."
This is just one of a few hundred Paltrow jokes I sieved through yesterday morning on Twitter, after news broke that the US actress and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are headed for splitsville.
She's definitely easy to hate - at 41 and with two kids, she's still in cool movies like Iron Man and still very much a beautiful, skinny blonde.
But even I think that immediately pinning the blame for the split on her - long-standing infidelity rumours involving her alleged relationship with married Hollywood lawyer Kevin Yorn - and then making mean-spirited jokes about how she will potentially pretentiously handle the divorce is unkind.
It's not that I don't agree that "Paltrow" and "pretentious" could very well be synonyms at this point.
This after years of judgey-sounding quotes from her, like "I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin" and "I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year".
She may be inherently annoying, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate, salute even, the way she and Martin have conducted themselves during their entire 10-year marriage - privately and elegantly.
We're not talking about a reality TV star who gets hitched for publicity and has her nuptials dissolved after 72 days.
Nuh uh, honey.
There is nary a red carpet couple picture of Paltrow and Martin, even when they attend showbiz events like this year's Golden Globes together.
There are no couple selfies, and generally no shocking, embarrassing confessions in lengthy magazine profiles, barring the few times Paltrow has talked about the difficulties in keeping a marriage together in the last few years.
'WORKED IT OUT'
Last May, Paltrow was quoted in Glamour UK as saying: "I hate to say, 'We've got it worked out', because you never know what's going to happen."
I think it's actually really nice that we, the audience, never got the opportunity to overdose on their celebrity couplehood, because we get to just appreciate what we've gotten from their relationship.
Martin, 37, wrote the massive Coldplay hit Fix You after Paltrow lost her father to complications from cancer and pneumonia in 2002.
The UK group's most recent single Magic - "I just got broken, broken into two" - is almost definitely about the split, and it's heartbreaking.
Even if you don't like Coldplay or Paltrow, at least appreciate that they never left behind something like the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck Jenny From The Block music video.
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