For several days now, my daughter has been locked in a cupboard. She is allowed out only for toilet breaks and her food is passed beneath the door.
She can only eat prata.
I can't take any chances. Joseph Schooling is on the loose.
He makes Keith Richards and Charlie Sheen look like Bert and Ernie.
He's wild. He's mad. He had - and I hope you are sitting down here - a few drinks.
There's not a moment to lose. Take only what you can carry - essential belongings and your favourite children - and make for the hill of Bukit Timah.
This is Apocalypse Now. It's the end of the world as we know it. REM will start singing at any moment.
The shame, the outrage, the horror, oh, the horror - a 19-year-old Asian Games gold medallist, Singapore's first male swimming champion in 32 years, had one too many in celebration.
Schooling had a few drinks to celebrate an Asian Games gold medal. When I was his age, I had a few beers to celebrate Friday.
I didn't need to win the men's 100m butterfly at the 17th Asian Games after years of intense training and personal sacrifice. I just needed five bucks from my father's wallet.
With the utmost seriousness, news articles solemnly reported that Schooling and fellow swimmers Teo Zhen Ren and Roanne Ho "appeared drunk".
Presumably, they failed to touch their noses with the tips of their forefingers, struggled to walk in a straight line and, when asked for some ID, dropped their trousers and sang: "I like to move it, move it... Do you like to... move it!"
In keeping with the serious tone of our national mourning, I must point out that there was no evidence to suggest that they did any of the above and probably didn't sing "I Like to Move it".