When the bough breaks

She miscarried three babies in 11 months, but she still hopes for a visit from the stork. 

Every mum remembers the first time she cradled her baby and the whirlwind of emotions that followed - overwhelming joy mixed with a tinge of fear and a primal instinct to protect.

Felicia Tan recalls that when she held her babies, it was to watch them die.

In a span of 11 months, the graphic designer conceived and miscarried twice while in her second trimesters.

Born too early at 23 and 21 weeks respectively, baby Dominic and twin brothers Elvis and Louis didn't survive their premature births.

Both time Felica, 36, delivered them naturally. But what made it more shocking and painful was that they were still alive at birth.

Choking back tears during this interview, she recalls the helplessness she felt as she witness her tiny ones - each the size of her palm - taking their last breaths.

With their eyelids still fused together, the babies had passed away without seeing their mum's face.

"At their gestational ages, I thought they'd be dead by the time they were delivered. But I saw that they were still moving and taking very shallow, slow breaths.

It hurts so much that I couldn't do anything to save them," says Felicia, who has penned two books, To Baby with Love and Lost and Found, detailing her experience.

The tough ride ahead

When they started trying for a baby five years after their marriage in 2004, Felicia and her engineer-husband, Low Lieneng, now 40, never thought that their journey to parenthood would be fraught with challenges. What was even more frustrating was that doctors couldn't pinpoint a cause for their infertility.

By 2010, the couple decided that they would not depend on Mother Nature and embarked on a series of fertility treatments.

When their first attempt at Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) failed, they switched to In-Vitro Fertilisation (IVF). In total, they have undergone one IUI and three rounds of IVF cycles.

Unlike IUI, which involves placing sperm directly into the woman's uterus, IVF is a more complex procedure which requires the eggs and sperm to be fertilised outside the body. The fertilised embryo is later transferred to the uterus.

At that time, Felicia says she finally understood what her gynae meant when he described fertility treatment to be "a rollercoaster ride".

"You may be happy at what seems to be good news, only to realise tomorrow that all that had been predicted to happen was not going to happen after all," she says.

In To Baby with Love, she recounts the busy nights she and her hubby shared during the fertility treatments. There was never a romantic, intimate moment in bed. Instead, he was busy administrating painful injections in her bruised tummy.

Felicia also counted the size of the follicles in her ovaries obsessively. In both fertility procedures, they had to reach a certain size before she could proceed with the treatments.

Besides the physical discomfort, there were the unpredictable mood swings. Once, she was on her way to meet a new client after clinching a deal. "It should have been a happy discussion. But due to the effects of all the injections I had been receiving, I felt strangely depressed. I thought I was going mad," she says.

Even so, the uncomfortable side effects were worth it when she eventually conceived.

Not meant to be

As she counted down to Dominic's due date, Felicia experienced the excitement and joy that came with his little kicks.

"It's a wonderful and beautiful thing to have a new life growing inside you. I could feel his presence. And it is something that only mothers-to-be experience," she says.

But he pregnancy bliss ended when she went into premature labour at Week 23. Attempts to resuscitate Dominic failed and he died in Felicia's arms.

"After the first miscarriage, I kept asking myself what I did wrong. Did I miss some signs? So when the second pregnancy came along shortly after, we thought we had a solution in place. But, even that didn't help," she says.

In an attempt to prevent another premature delivery in her next pregnancy, she underwent a cervical cerclage, a surgical procedure which involves stitching up the cervix. However, the stitches ripped apart and she lost her 21-week-old twin boys.

"I wished the gynae had pierced me with a knife instead of even bothering to clean me up," says Felicia, recounting the aftermath of her second miscarriage.

"Three lives lost in a year. What have I done to deserve this?"

Try, try again

A year on, the couple, who are $40,000 poorer after the fertility treatments, failed pregnancies and funeral fees, are still seeking answers to the miscarriages.

Despite her heartbreak, she still hopes for a visit from the stork. "The bond between a mother and child is inseparable and tied by blood. I pray that I will soon have my own baby in my arms, calling me mum. It is a word I always find so exclusive and privileged because only your children are entitled to call you that," she explains.

Health checks have uncovered factors such as being tested positive for a type of vaginal bacteria, which could have caused the premature labours.

"Physically, I was drained after the second miscarriage, so I took about a year to rest, rebuild my health and find a high-risk gynae. We didn't want to rush into another pregnancy and end up crying again if it doesn't work out well," she says.

While she reckons she will never fully heal from the pain of losing her three babies, who share the same niche at the Choa Chu Kang Columbarium, penning her experiences - with her husband's support to publish them - has provided some closure.

Through the books, she also hopes to turn her tragedy into a good cause, by educating more people about pregnancy complications.

"Issues like infertility and losing a baby are taboo in our society. Although people don't want to talk about these issues, they exist. Hopefully, my books can help couples who are trying for a baby, too," says Felicia.

At this point in time, adoption has not crossed her mind. Instead, she is giving IVF a break and hopes to conceive naturally this year.

"My younger sister is now expecting her second baby. Her elder child is one year old," adds Felicia. "While I do sometimes get emotional when I meet them, her successful pregnancies also show that infertility isn't in our genes."

Moving on

By the time you reach your second trimester, you'd probably have developed a special bond with your unborn baby.

That is why a mum who loses her child later in pregnancy faces a higher risk of developing mental-health issues, says Dr Cornelia Chee, director and senior consultant of Women's Emotional Health Service at National University Hospital.

So how do you go on with life after suffering a miscarriage? Dr Chee offers some tips to help you cope.

- Have a keepsake

Holding her babies - for the first and last time - and taking some photos of them after the delivery helped Felicia grieve.

While this might be traumatic for some people, many mums later regret not touching their babies or memorialising them in some other ways, says Dr Chee.

However, she adds that is needn't be "an all or nothing" decision. "Work out something with your spouse to discuss what you are prepared to do and have a concrete reminder of your baby, such as taking a footprint impression," she adds.

- It's okay to be sad

Don't bottle it in. As with any loss, there's the usual gamut of reactions from denial, anger, bargaining and depression to acceptance, says Dr Chee.

For the first few weeks, she advises staying away from pregnant women and finding helpful support groups, such as the Child Bereavement Support Singapore (cbss.sg).

- Honey, be here for me

While men may have different styles of grieving, it is important to "just be there when the wife is emotional", says Dr Chee.

"Tell her: 'I'm grieving, too, and we're in this together.' Ask if there is anything you can do to help the both of you get through this."

You should also recognise that men grieve in different ways, and not blame him for his apparent nonchalance.

- It gets better, really

Let time heal all wounds. From her experience working with mums who have lost their babies, most feel the greatest distress in the first month and gradually recover emotionally over the next few months.

"Sometimes it's about letting time do its job and putting one foot in front of the other during the difficult days before that," says Dr Chee.

Young Parents, Singapore's No. 1 parenting magazine published by SPH Magazines is available at all newsstands now.   Go to https://www.youngparents.com.sg/ for more stories.