A year has gone by since I lost my boyfriend, Aloysius, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. They say time heals all wounds… the hurt has faded, but it never left me.
It's a hole in my heart… and things will never be the same. It's hard to explain…only those who've lost a loved one will truly understand this.
I flew to New Zealand last year to see Aloysius after I got a call on Jan 19 from his brother, who told me that Aloysius was seriously injured during reservist duty.
He succumbed to his injuries a few days later while I was with him at the hospital. My heart dropped, and a wave of emotion came over me… I hope never to experience this feeling (again).
When I returned to the Airbnb house from the hospital, I was all alone… I wasn't in my right mind… I had lost my entire world. When the news broke, I got messages from strangers from all over the world.
Many were concerned about my well-being. I was surrounded by a lot of love from my friends and family in my difficult time.
After my loss - and inspired by Aloysius, who never called in sick even when he was - I immediately returned to work to continue filming Channel 8's Jalan Jalan.
I kept busy to distract my mind. I also turned to things that I love, like content creation on social media with my sister.
I always pray that Aloysius will appear in my dreams. In my dreams, we're reunited. We call each other "B" as in "baby". Though I'm tomboyish around others, around him I turn into quite the little lady.
Aloysius was kind, caring and diligent… he was crazy about acting. He also inspired me to want to settle down and start a family.
I always look at his photos, videos, and messages on my phone… it makes me feel like he has never left. I trudge on in life with an image of him smiling at me… and Aloysius still makes my heart flutter.
In memory of our time together, I continue to do the things that I had promised to do with Aloysius, like going for treetop walks - he wanted to take me (in 2018) but never found the time due to work.
I don't think I'll ever move on. But my heart is always open and ready to love and be loved… not necessarily romantic love, but love for a job, family or friends.
I've matured tremendously since and I've come to realise how strong I can be…simply for being alive and to see the best in everyone despite all the negativity.
This article was first published in Her World Online.