Baby talk: Grandparents, helper or infant care? How to choose your village

Ask just about any new parent in Singapore, and they'll tell you that caring for babies without a village is a recipe for burnout. But in 2025, a village comes in many forms: it could be made up of grandparents who are willing, able, and retired.

It could come in the form of paid help: a live-in domestic helper, a daytime nanny, or an infant care centre. If you're lucky, you'll also have friends or neighbours who are willing to help during an emergency or on an ad-hoc basis. 

But choosing a village isn't as simple as picking the most convenient and cost-effective option. You need to trust whoever is looking after your child.

Sometimes convenience also comes at a price — your parents might live in the same neighbourhood, but appointing them as your weekday babysitters could also mean dealing with all their "advice" about taking care of babies. 

As someone who explored all three options before deciding to send her child to infant care at nine months old, my philosophy is this: don't give yourself too much pressure to commit to a single village. You're allowed to change your mind!

And you can also consider a hybrid village — for instance, half-days at infant care on weekdays, with grandparents or a domestic helper stepping in once your baby comes home. 

In the meantime, here are some factors to consider when choosing your village — of course, a support system isn't limited to just these three options, but let's go through them since they're among the most common: 

Grandparents

Pros: 

• If your parents or in-laws are retired, then perhaps they have the time and flexibility to help you watch your child when you're busy. If they're bored at home, looking after a grandchild can also give them a renewed sense of purpose. 
• Grandparents are family. No matter how much other caregivers love your kid, there's something about the connection between a grandparent and a grandchild that's impossible to replicate. 

Cons: 

• Depending on their physical health, grandparents might not be able to spend all day looking after a baby or a toddler. Plus, some people want to spend their retirement relaxing or travelling! 
• Do you have nephews and nieces? On top of sharing the grandparents, you'll also have to brief grandma and grandpa on your schedules and different child-rearing preferences. Get ready to close one eye if they're unwilling or unable to remember every little house rule. 
• The fact that grandparents are family can backfire, as they often feel that being family (and being your elders) gives them a right to impose their ideas about parenting. Or at the very least, the right to spoil your child with toys, candy, and unlimited screen time. 

Domestic helper

Pros:

• On top of childminding, they can also cook and do house chores
• They may be more physically fit than grandparents to look after kids and babies
• As your employee, they have less leeway to impose their ideas about parenting onto your family 
• Since they live with you, they're available to help you with last-minute childcare duties at inconvenient hours (ahem, the crack of dawn). 

Cons: 

• Hiring a domestic helper is expensive — in addition to paying them their monthly salary, you also need to feed them, pay for their healthcare needs, and provide them with some basic necessities at home. 
• It may take time to build trust in them — if you're anything like me, you might spend the first few weeks obsessively watching the CCTV footage
• They're only human, you can't expect them to watch kids and do chores 24/7
• As much as they like kids or have kids of their own, most domestic helpers aren't trained in childminding, so you might still need to train and supervise them closely, especially once it comes time to feed baby her solids. 

Infant care

Pros: 

• Sending your kid to infant care or childcare can be more affordable than hiring a domestic helper if you choose a school that falls under the Anchor Operator (AOP) or the Partner Operator (POP) schemes. Fee caps have since been lowered to $610 and $650, respectively, which is less than what you'd pay for a helper's salary, food, and day-to-day necessities. 
• Infant care teachers in Singapore are required to undergo training and to hold a recognised certification from the Early Childhood Development Agency (ECDA). While the quality of teachers vary, you can at least rest assured that their understanding of childhood development goes deeper than "last time, we used to do ________ and you turned out fine". 
• Depending on how involved or accountable your baby's grandparents are, you might find that you have a lot more oversight into how your child spends their time in infant care - teachers give routine updates throughout the day and will often ask you permission before feeding your child certain foods. 
• Infant care also provides a stimulating environment replete with toys, sensory play, outdoor time, music, and interactions with other babies, which you might not have time to plan if you're in an office all day. 

Cons: 

• The waitlists for affordable, conveniently-located centres can be months, if not a year, long. 
• Your baby will get sick a lot. Prepare to spend the first month half in school, and half recovering at home. 
• The ratio of teachers to kids is up to 1:5, so your baby won't get as much one-on-one attention as they would at home 
• You'll need to spend extra time every night packing a bag full of fresh diapers, clean outfits, a towel, and bottles. Not to mention extra time labeling everything with your child's name. 

Decision paralysis? Weigh your options with a decision-making checklist. Sit down with your spouse and get started with these questions: 

What's our relationship like with the grandparents - and how closely do we want them to be involved?

Don't expect grandparents to follow your lead all of the time. As your parents, they'll undoubtedly have opinions about everything from sleep, to feeding, screen time, to toys. You can glean wisdom from their experience. Or you can get caught in a power struggle. 

Historically, how good have your parents been at respecting boundaries? How do they take it when you want to do things differently than they did? Entrusting them with your baby will only magnify the traits they've already exhibited, so don't assume they're the best option just because they're family and "free". External help (i.e. infant care) might be a better solution if navigating family dynamics is too stressful. 

How many hours a day do we need childcare? 

Grandparents might be open to helping out two to three times a week during working hours, but they might balk at the prospect of taking in a baby from seven to seven, five days a week. (Ours certainly did, which is why we opted for a domestic helper).

What's our budget? 

On the one hand, you don't need to pay grandparents to watch a baby. On the other hand, you'll still need to spend time doing house chores, and time is money.

Like I said earlier, even some "free" villages come with intangible costs, so plan your finances carefully if you need to shell out. My husband and I opted for both a domestic helper and infant care, budgeting for it by cutting down on a luxury that we're abstaining from this season: travel. 

How much structure and social interaction do I want for my baby?

Do you want your baby to interact with other children early on? How much would your baby benefit from a structured play environment as opposed to home care?  

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Are we comfortable with shared care or do we need our child to have dedicated attention? 

Grandparents and domestic helpers aren't trained in childcare the way that infant care teachers are, but at least they can give your baby more personal attention. (Note that I said can, not will: how much can you trust that the person will look after your baby without watching TV or using social media at the same time?) 

How much flexibility do we need?

Are your work hours fixed, or do you have unpredictable schedules? If your hours are all over the place, you might need someone available on short notice. However, if you have a fixed schedule, then structured care like infant care could be a good fit. 

Evaluate as well how much you need to travel and how many days you work from home. If flexibility is a high priority, then grandparents or a live-in helper could be a better option since infant care has fixed drop-off and pick-up times. 

What's my backup plan? 

Don't forget to plan for change. What happens if your helper suddenly quits or isn't the right fit for your family? Who can step in if your baby gets sick and needs to stay home from infant care? What happens if your parents decide to travel or are unavailable to help? 

While it might take a while to arrive at a decision, discussing these questions will give you a clearer picture of what works best for your family.

And remember: you can still change your mind! Adjusting arrangements comes with the territory as your baby grows and as your needs evolve (Exhibit A: Me, successfully working from home with a newborn, only to start researching infant cares once the baby could do more than eat, poop, and sleep.) 

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This article was first published in Wonderwall.sg.