'This can also be a strength': 25-year-old trainee lawyer opens up about her ADHD and depression

To the average person, the legal industry can seem like a high-pressure, high-stress work environment.

Budding lawyer Bernadette Loh would attest to that.

Despite that, Bernadette, who has struggled with depression from the age of nine and was more recently diagnosed with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), always had her sights on studying law and eventually entering the industry.

The stressful work environment can bring out "certain behaviours from certain people a lot more", she tells AsiaOne. The 25-year-old chuckles as she says that, in what looks like an attempt to avoid spilling too much tea on the industry.

While Bernadette understands how her decision to become a lawyer might seem odd to others, she is adamant that her mental health conditions can be seen as a positive too.

Depression and ADHD through her lens

According to the American Psychiatric Association, depression is a medical illness that negatively affects how one feels, and the way one thinks and acts.

Bernadette tells us that this manifests differently in people. 

For some, depression is feeling sad for a prolonged period of time while others express apathy or dissociation. 

Growing up, she thought this was all just part of the "emo phase".

However, a conversation she had with a friend had her thinking more deeply about her mental health.

While her friend was listing potential universities to apply to, all Bernadette could muster was how she doesn't see a future.

Bernadette even said that she "can't see [herself] living past this age". She was 17 then.

By the time she was a university student, she reached a new low and stopped "doing anything for three months".

She'd only eat when fed by her partner and it was then that he pushed her to seek professional help for depression.

As for ADHD, she was formally diagnosed less than a year ago.

Having met Moonlake Lee, founder of the local non-profit Unlocking ADHD, Bernadette felt it was something she should look into as well.

Inattentiveness and being very fidgety are common for those with ADHD. In Bernadette's case, she tells us that she experiences periods of hyperfixation.

This can be understood as being so engrossed by something that it gets hard to focus on anything other than the object of one's hyperfixation.

Bernadette was also keen to drive home the point that even those with the same mental health condition can have varied triggers and experiences.

Conscious decision to be a lawyer

Not many can claim to have locked in their career choice right after completing primary school. But Bernadette was sure that she wanted to become a lawyer by then.

This was heavily influenced by her experience with the legal system as a 13-year-old.

Two years after her parents separated, Bernadette was taken to the State Courts as their lawyers wanted to interview her.

"Can you imagine how many children are going through the same thing that I'm going through? Can you imagine a child younger than me going through this?"

She remembers not knowing what to say throughout that experience and thought of how younger children are likely to be just as lost.

Apart from that, seeing juvenile offenders outside court in their orange jumpsuits, chains around their ankles and wrists, had an impact on her.

"These are people who need help. How do I know that good people are helping them unless I try my best to be a good person and help them."

She then lightens the mood by cheekily adding, "I'm not saying I am [a good person] but I'm trying."

After graduating from university in July 2019, dealing with mental health conditions in a work environment was tricky.

Upon receiving her first training contract, Bernadette felt like she "had something to prove". But over time, she had a personal realignment.

"This [Being diagnosed with depression and ADHD] is something that can also be a strength."

She says that hyperfixation can help her focus better and having gone through rough moments growing up helps her empathise with clients better.

"It came to light eventually, where I just realised that I don't have much more to prove than other people. I already know I can get the job done," she explains.

Being a mental health advocate in Singapore

Being a mental health advocate was quite the hurdle early on at work, especially when navigating interactions with those who hold a more "traditional" understanding of mental health.

"A lot of these traditional mindsets might lead you to come out to representing what you see on the TV, right?

"Because the TV always shows people with mental conditions as either murderers, thieves, just plain siao (translated to crazy) on the streets naked," she says.

There was a time when she'd sit quietly as her colleagues made "really weird" claims about mental health.

But lately, she's been speaking up a lot more about it.

"Usually, I wouldn't say anything unless I've experienced it myself. Then, I always phrase it like 'in my experience'."

Apart from spreading awareness over casual chats at work, Bernadette also volunteers with the local mental health charity Resilience Collective.

In fact, she's been both a participant and peer facilitator at events run by the charity.

When it comes to raising awareness of mental health in Singapore, Bernadette is looking to keep her glass half full.

While it has "taken us a while to get here", she does not discount the progress made over the years.

Seeing events like government-organised dialogues or reading news articles and studies on mental health is something rather refreshing, she says.

All these keep her cautiously optimistic that society can hopefully detach the stigma that currently surrounds mental health.

Having more individuals like her will certainly do the cause no harm.

ALSO READ: Counselling in Singapore: Free and affordable help for mental healthcare

amierul@asiaone.com

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