'I was in love with somebody, I couldn't tell my parents': Growing Up actor Steven Lim on coming out to family

It's safe to say that most people tend to keep a part of their lives separate from their parents. But what if that separation causes a growing rift that threatens the relationship?

For actor Steven Lim, whom most people would recognise as the younger brother David Tay on the local '90s drama series Growing Up, that's the reason he decided to come out to his family as a gay man about 20 years ago.

Speaking to AsiaOne in June for his latest acting project Getaway, Singapore's first gay boy love drama, he shared: "I couldn't share a whole part of my life with my parents. I was in love with somebody, I couldn't tell my parents, 'Oh my god, I met this really amazing [guy]' kind of thing.

"As I got older, I felt that distance was growing. So much of my adult life, I couldn't actually have them see and have them be happy or be sad, whatever it is. It came to the point where I just felt I want them to know everything so that I didn't feel the distance."

Fortunately, his coming-out experience was "generally quite positive". Steven, 48, said: "I mean, it wasn't all kind of roses all the way, but it definitely wasn't a slap in the face."

He added that his family (who are in Malaysia) had already met his boyfriend at that time and got along with him. However, they just "never referred to him as the label of 'boyfriend'".

Surprisingly, he didn't have to come out to his university friends as they already knew. "They came around during one of my birthdays, slapped me on the back [and said], 'We know'," he recalled.

In an interview with Dear Straight People in 2019, Steven mentioned that he was in a stable relationship with his partner of five years. However, he told AsiaOne that he is currently single and that it is part of the journey.

He said: "Sometimes you grow together, sometimes you grow apart. It doesn't lessen the time that you have together...

"Just because a relationship doesn't last forever does not mean it was not equally beautiful. I think I'm an incurable romantic at heart so I will always believe in love."

Being a gay actor in Singapore

When asked about his experience as a gay actor in Singapore, Steven said that he wasn't out and "I don't think anybody was". It was a "very different place", he said, and "you kept your personal life very close".

That said, Steven made the conscious decision to neither confirm nor deny his sexuality should he be asked about it.

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He explained: "For example, if the press interviews me and says, 'Do you have a girlfriend?' I would not go, 'Oh, yes, I do'. I will say, 'No, I do not have a girlfriend.' And if they kind of go, 'Oh, so you're single', I would say, 'No, I'm not single.'

"And I think Singapore press, we knew each other, we were seeing each other all the time. They understood and they were kind about it. It's not like the kind of paparazzi situation."

In case you're wondering where Steven went after Growing Up, he left Singapore to attend the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art and stayed in London for 14 years.

He's now based in Bangkok, has lived there for nine years, and makes a living by running a cafe (Luka Bangkok) and a restaurant (Luka/Quince at Siri House). He still does his acting on the side, along with his photography.

Steven was previously in the local gay drama People Like Us (2016) and on Getaway, he plays a conventional father who disapproves of his son's sexuality.

And he thinks it's "about time" this show was made in Singapore.

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"It's a genre that is everywhere. You know, in Thailand, each year there are about 80 of these and it does have a great, huge audience."

But, he said in jest that he wished it was made "30 years ago" so he would have been "a young thing" who would have "a bigger role".

"It's never too little too late"

On the topic of Section 377A of the Penal Code, which criminalises sex between men and has caused more of a stir in the country this year, Steven admitted that he doesn't really know how much more discussion there has been, but hopes that it revolves around "simply getting rid of it".

He drew comparisons to Singapore banning something like chewing gum.

"Chewing gum was a small, small little thing, which was a big thing for them to say, 'No'. If you can do that, pretty much, you can change anything."

While there have been challenges made to Section 377A in the past, the discourse surrounding it this year resulted in Law Minister K Shanmugam addressing the issue in Parliament back in March.

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Shanmugam said: "If and when we decide to move, we will do so in a way that continues to balance between these different viewpoints, and avoids causing a sudden, destabilising change in social norms and public expectations.

"Policies need to evolve to keep abreast of such changes in views. And legislation needs to evolve to support updated policies."

For Steven, it's good that there are ongoing conversations surrounding Section 377A.

"It's never too little too late. Change is always good. But it's been talked about since I was in Singapore," he said.

Getaway follows Singaporean Sam (Sean Foo) who jets off to Bangkok after his coming out goes horribly wrong with his conservative dad (Steven). He intends to find his exiled gay uncle, who was similarly disowned by his family, for guidance but a chance meeting with a local named Top (Snooker) leads to something more.

All episodes of Getaway are available on YouTube with a crowdfunding campaign for the second season underway.

ALSO READ: 'All the stars aligned' to make Singaporean gay drama Getaway, creator says

bryanlim@asiaone.com