5 things you can do when you have an unsupportive husband

The institution of two people coming together should be based on equality, with both individuals keeping their share of the promise.

Sadly, some partners tend to shy away from their responsibilities, which puts undue pressure on the other person. And as all women know, there's nothing worse than an unsupportive husband.

In the case of this wife, her unsupportive husband is showing all the signs of a troublesome partner. The woman has been taking up nearly all the responsibilities at home and the office with little support from her partner.

A lethargic husband who chooses to be unsupportive to his wife

Sharing her ordeal, the woman bared her truth on Mumsnet. The working mother elaborated about taking care of all the chores in her five-bedroom house, while also taking care of her two stepchildren. Plus, she also signed up for an 18-month apprenticeship in her first ever management role.

"I've just had a blazing row with my SO (significant other) around (surprise surprise!) housework. We went out for a walk and I made a comment about how I feel proud that I'm finally getting myself back into a routine. Like many others, I found the second lock-down extremely difficult."

"I had taken on my first management-level role, signed up to an 18-month apprenticeship and had to juggle this with looking after my two step children. I also lost my Nan very recently who was a huge part of my life. It was just a lot and admittedly, my once regimented cleaning routine took a bit of a backseat," she shared.

To add to her misery, when she brought this up with her husband, she was shot down and told that everything falls apart when she isn't on top of it.

"When I mentioned how I thought this was going well, his response was, 'Yes, it's amazing how if you don't stay on top of the housework everything else seems to fall apart too.'

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"I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here, but I was expecting something a little more supportive so my feelings were quite hurt. Firstly because I wouldn't have said things have 'fell apart' as such, I just had to make housework less of a priority with everything else we have going on.

"Secondly, it's as if these two months of taking a step back somehow discredits the fact that in the five years we have been together, I have always worked my socks off to have an immaculate home, a fresh meal on the table every night as well as having a career of my own," she added.

Clearly, the working mum is in need of all the help and appreciation from her husband, but she's received none.

She further elaborates about how she's been juggling all the responsibilities for the past five years in the relationship. But the flaws of her home management were immediately apparent when she chose to take a step back in the past two months.

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The mum goes on to ask some pertinent questions: "Am I being completely unreasonable here in thinking that he is not 'helping' me with the chores so he doesn't deserve praise for it any more than I do? This is his house too and we all live here so why should I have to praise him every time he changes a bin liner or wipes a surface over?"

An unsupportive husband Is common but not acceptable

As much as we'd like to state otherwise, having an unsupportive husband is as common as it sounds. The life of this mum, for instance, is sadly what many other women can relate to because some husbands might not feel responsible enough to contribute to household chores.

What most husbands do not realise is that chores aren't a privilege that you can 'choose' to do. It's a responsibility just like everything else and needs to be taken up hands-on. Unlike women, men who do contribute to the house chores tend to brag about it.

A simple comparative analysis though would be enough to show how little their contribution is around the house.

What do the netizens say?

In this case, it's more aggravating that the woman isn't just juggling between her office and home responsibilities, but is also taking care of her stepchildren. While that's great in itself but reflects poorly on the husband who seems to have no responsibilities outside of the office.

Netizens agreed with this too.

One user commented, "He is sexist. He's also lazy, inconsiderate and selfish. Why are you looking after his kids? Why isn't he? Are they with you full time? You've spread yourself too thin, you've experienced a recent and painful bereavement and he's bitching about the…housework.

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"Before you start coming up with ideas on how to make someone who's supposed to love and cherish you realise you're not a robot, consider what value he brings to your life and whether it's worth it to be treated like a skivvy."

Another user wrote, "Write a list at the end of each day of what you've both done." Citing her own example, the woman elaborated, "I tried to play the victim yesterday but [he] had done several things around the house and I could only come up with 'made dinner'."

'The house is unloved'

Responding to different users on the forum, the mum further revealed that while she is more than happy to chip in with caring for the kids and supporting them financially, she feels that she is being taken for granted by her husband.

She further revealed that when she actually took a step back to chill by not doing some of the housework, her husband started dropping hints to clean by saying things like "the house is unloved".

Unsupportive husband or just a manchild?

Behaviour like this does raise the question of whether the man is just an unsupportive husband or ignorant about his responsibilities. Is he just a manchild who still thinks he lives with his mother who will do the necessary duties for him?

This is just sad behaviour on behalf of the husband who refuses to own up his mistakes and make some actual contribution.

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Meanwhile, the wife really needs to step back and reassess her position in the house. The responsibilities of a wife and maid should not overlap each other.

What is support in marriage?

Any marriage can only last as long as both partners are cooperative.

Sure, support can mean different things for different people. But the bottom line is that your partner should feel taken care of and not for granted.

And this applies to both genders.

5 things you can do when you have an unsupportive husband

It's important that your husband know about the problem in your marriage. This is particularly important for your mental health, which can deteriorate if you choose not to talk about it. Here are five things you can do to change the course of an unsupportive husband.

1. Tell them there is a problem

Believe it or not, but most men do not even realise there is a problem until, of course, it's been spelt out to them literally.

Call it privilege or sheer ignorance, but you need to talk to them about what's bothering you. Whether it is financial, emotional, or informational, speak to them. Tell them why it bothers you and how they can do better.

Do remember, what's completely unacceptable to you could be absolutely normal for the other person.

2. Admit your flaws

Every relationship needs two people to falter for problems to arise. Before you open up that pandora's box of problems, do acknowledge your own mistakes in the relationship.

However, remember that things like not being a great cook or not cleaning up on time isn't something to feel guilty about. That's not exclusively your responsibility. If you do feel guilty, then start with acknowledging the same.

It'll only help your husband gain some perspective and acknowledge his own misdoings. This will also help build trust in your relationship.

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3. Communicate with your partner

Do not expect your partner to pick up hints on what does not please you. Acting frustrated, rude, or passing snarky comments will do nothing in solving your problems.

If you have a conflict, resolve it by bringing it up with your partner. Be elaborate and communicate about what bothers you and what you need them to do. It might feel like you are handholding your husband in the relationship, and sometimes it's exactly that. But if they are willing to cooperate, it's a win for you.

4. Arguments are fine, silence is not

It's okay to have arguments when two individuals do not agree about something. Temperaments can change, vocal tones will be different, and there might be no love in the room. Nevertheless, a relationship built on mutual respect will always work.

However, if silence is taking over your conversations, then there is a problem.

5. Seek professional help

Seeking professional help in a marriage isn't a low point. It shows that you both are willing to make amends with each other. Sometimes, professional intervention from a marriage counsellor can allow both of you to see the error of your ways, and become more empathetic towards each other.

It will help build your relationship again, as long as the other person is willing to cooperate.

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This article was first published in theAsianparent.