Months after making the big move to “uproot” his family and move to Taiwan, actor Andie Chen has made some interesting discoveries on fatherhood and parenting. In an exclusive interview with theAsianparent, the 37-year-old shares the valuable lessons he has picked up so far after taking one of the biggest risks in his life.
“This decision of actually moving to Taiwan definitely presented a lot of challenges mainly because of Covid-19, and financially that has put us in a very challenging spot,” the father-of-two said.
He shares that since returning from Singapore after Chinese New Year this year, he has signed with an agency and was getting work until the recent surge of Covid-19 cases in Taiwan, which “has essentially put everything on pause”.
Andie relocated his family to Taiwan last year to seize some opportunities by breaking into a new market. He and his wife, actress Kate Pang, have been taking turns staying with their kids. “Kate took Avery three to four months, and I was with Aden alone during these months, so I was only taking care of one, and it was so much easier to manage.”
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The self-proclaimed stay-at-home dad says he is now his kids' primary caretaker, having no help in Taiwan and with Kate often in Singapore for work.
"When the kids are here with me, I am the only one who takes care of them. We don't have a nanny. I have since become a very hands-on dad," says Andie. "I've taken over pretty much 100 per cent on teaching the kids, sleeping with the kids, and taking care of everything else."
"This also means I can't give them as much care and assistance, as when other things like housekeeping were taken care of, which kind of forces them to kind of grow up faster," adds Andie. "I've also noticed how our kids have grown to be more independent."
But becoming a stay-home-dad wasn't an easy transition for Andie, he admits, saying that he had always thought of himself as "a secondary force", and his wife, the primary caregiver and educator.
"I wasn't sure at first how I will do as a stay-home dad. Initially, I had a lot of doubts and had thought that I'm supposed to be doing work, I'm supposed to be acting or producing, doing my job. But one day, something just clicked and I began to appreciate more how truly precious it is to be around the kids."
Andie also says he finally understood what most stay-home parents meant when they want their kids away when they are there, but miss them when they are not around. "I feel tired, sometimes even frustrated [taking care of the kids], but at night, when I go to bed and they will tell me 'Daddy, I really, really love you,' I go soft again and feel something beautiful."
But perhaps one of the important lessons he has learned so far is the true importance of spending time with his kids. According to Andie, it is through being engrossed in the moments spent "in the small and daily tasks with your kids that brings you closer to them".
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"You might think that you are already close to them but really being ingrained and spending doing the so-called mundane things with your kids actually brings you to another level of closeness to the kids that I've never experienced in my life."
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Andie also urges parents to spend more time with their kids, especially while they are young.
He says parents who are able to choose to step back from their jobs should do so. "There are going to be sacrifices but if you think about it, it's about prioritising. How big does your house need to be? Do you really need a fancy car? How many times do you really have to eat out? If you really think about your priorities, and understand that the time now is precious, you will want to spend more time. And if it's a choice you can make, I encourage you to do so."
However, Andie also acknowledges that staying home is not a choice for everyone. "Of course, they are parents who are sole breadwinners who won't be able to afford to step back from work to spend more time with their kids. And for them, I think it's important to make sure you and your family will survive-more than anything else," Andie says. "And let your kids know. Tell them why you're doing what you're doing and help them understand. I think that's the best thing you can do."
But Andie accepts that he is nowhere close to being a perfect father, admitting that there are instances, still, that he feels like a "lousy dad and feel like being pulled in all directions".
Andie, however, found peace in knowing that he can only do his best at being a good father to his kids. His secret: understanding what kind of father he wants to be, and working towards being that.
"I found that it was really helpful to first understand what kind of father I want to be for my kids, and actually write it down," Andie shares. "You can't do and be everything. So it is important to know what you can and want to do. And I chose to be a nurturing father, who would help them throughout their development, and a demanding father, who will push them to become the better versions of themselves."
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Andie says he chose these two traits because he doesn't know anybody else around his kids who will be able to give the same fatherly nurturing and encouragement to his kids other than himself.
In the end, Andie says, whatever parents choose to do and give their children — whether it's being a stay-at-home parent or being the provider —parenting shouldn't mean always sacrificing the good things, and it won't always be challenging.
"For parents who are facing challenges, especially fathers who may have recently become stay-home dads and are currently struggling, know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be afraid to ask for as much help as you need, and don't be shy to accept whatever help you can get," Andie says, adding that having been in the similar situation where used to be paiseh (embarrassed) when people offer to help, it was much easier for him to be happy as a stay-at-home dad when he finally allowed others to help.
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"My sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law have been offering to help me in picking up the kids, helping a bit with housework, and that has helped me in avoiding to spreading myself too thin," Andie adds.
And his final advice: accept that you cannot do everything, and focus on the things that you can.
"Don't try to be everything, don't try to do everything. And if you can focus on the few things that are really important to you, do and be that, and they you will a sense of achievement. When you have an aim and you actually can feel yourself moving towards that goal, it allows you to not be so hard on yourself and feel like it's not an endless cycle of challenges."
This article was first published in theAsianparent.