How to tell if you're ready for an open relationship
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PUBLISHED ONMay 30, 2020 6:00 AMByAdora Wong
Been wanting to explore an open relationship? Whatever your reasons — whether you and your partner have mismatched libidos or you just want meaningful connections with more people — you shouldn’t worry that you’d be cheating. The difference between the two is consent: All parties involved agree to the nature of the relationship.
A lot of good can come out of an open relationship. According to Dr Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, it can introduce more mutual respect, open communication and honesty between your partner.
But that’s not to say it wouldn’t fall flat on its face — particularly if you jump into it for the wrong reasons.
“Some people choose to have one to try and save a failing connection but opening up a weak relationship will likely destroy it, not fix. There has to be a strong and sturdy foundation in place for it to work,” says Dr Lee.
It also isn’t a good idea to give it a go if you’re prone to certain feelings or issues, and aren’t confident about overcoming them.
“It’s common to feel jealous or threatened in an open relationship. Childhood wounds and fears of abandonment may also come up.”
So how can you tell if you’re ready for an open relationship? She shares four indicators.
1. You can articulate your reasons for wanting to "open up" your relationship
“Open relationships aren’t a solution to pre-existing relationship woes. While different people have different reasons for opening up their relationship, your motivations shouldn’t be trying to keep, manipulate or control your partner.
"You should be excited about exploring different dimensions of yourself and your partner and the personal growths it will bring the both of you.”
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2. You’re prepared to deal with jealousy
“You should already be good at acknowledging and expressing your feelings and are able to speak up for yourself when needed for yourself.
"You recognise that feelings of possessiveness and jealousy might come up, and that while it can be a clumsy process, you want to address these feelings if they come up. You are also willing to seek out a sex-positive relationship and sexuality professional if required.”
3. You're able to set boundaries
“While you should discuss what you want from an open relationship with your partner, it’s equally important to address what you do not want.
"The both of you must be ready to work together and define the boundaries of this dynamic, which will come with unique needs, desires, boundaries and fears. This includes safer sex practices, how much to share with the other, and overnight or overseas stays.”
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4. You and your partner are genuinely keen on trying it out
“The both of you should have been discussing opening up the relationship for some time and show the same level of enthusiasm about the possibilities. The both of you should also be prepared to discuss opening up the relationship as a process and to keep the conversation going no matter what.
"You and your partner should be concerned about the emotional well-being of the other, and clear about your continued love and commitment to each other.”
This article was first published in CLEO Singapore.