How to support a woman after a miscarriage? Here are some tips to help your partner deal with her pregnancy loss.

Miscarriages aren't uncommon. According to WebMD, as many as 15 per cent to 25 per cent of recognised pregnancies end in miscarriages and even more happen unnoticed (before the woman realises that she was pregnant). The frequency of pregnancy loss doesn't make the pain of losing a baby any less pronounced.

You and your partner are probably in a lot of pain right now, but remember that you have each other to lean on. By supporting each other, you can help yourself through this grief. Here are some pointers that will help you support your partner.

Giving support after miscarriage

When you offer comfort to someone, you show them that they are loved and supported even through their most trying times. People require this level of comfort and support. It's how, even when it seems impossible, we can pick up the pieces and move forward.

When it comes to helping someone through loss, there is no set formula. The same applies to women who have experienced a miscarriage. 

How to support a woman after a miscarriage? The following are some suggestions for consoling your loved one:

1. Be present

Although it may seem obvious, the most important thing you can do for your loved one is to reassure them that you will always be there for them.

Send them notes to let them know you're thinking of them, or check in with them to see how they're doing, even if you're not present in person.

Be really supportive of them when you are face-to-face with them. It just detracts from your being with them if you fret about saying or doing the proper thing. Be understanding and kind instead.

2. Use their language

When it comes to talking about loss and sadness, especially when it involves a reproductive loss, people use different words. Listen to your loved one and match their language if they use the words "baby" or "foetus," "miscarried" or "lost the baby," "grieving" or "sad."

When comforting someone after a loss, we occasionally need to be extra kind or mindful of the words we use since they carry a lot of weight. For the person, some phrases could be reassuring or upsetting.

It's okay if you don't get it perfectly. You can comfort and take care of your loved one more effectively the more attentive you are.

3. Offer them information 

Offering your loved one information on miscarriage and loss will also aid them, in addition to being there to support them, cuddle and say kind things.

Resources are physical tools that provide information about other people's miscarriage experiences or useful advice they can use while they are recovering and processing.

You can consider providing the following sources:

• Miscarriage support groups, both online and offline
• Books about loss or miscarriage
• Soothing music or poetry
• Recommendations to specialists in reproductive loss, like therapists or full-spectrum doulas

4. Do the little things

Finding the appropriate words to say to your loved one isn't the best method to console them — action is. Even the tiniest tasks, like doing the dishes and obtaining groceries, might seem practically impossible while you're experiencing loss. Here is where you step in.

By making their burden lighter so they may concentrate on themselves, you can bring your loved one some comfort. Instead of asking them what they need, just taking the initiative is beneficial. If you leave it open-ended, it may be challenging for someone to seek for assistance or express their needs.

As an alternative, you may say, "I'd love to bring you dinner, when would be a good time to do that?", or "I'm heading to the supermarket, what can I get for you?"

5. Offer distractions

When recovering from a traumatic event like a miscarriage, it's crucial to feel your emotions and lean into them; nevertheless, there are moments when we all need a little diversion. By adding some distraction to your loved one's life, you might be able to make them feel a bit better.

Aim to create moments for them to experience some joy and laughter in the middle of it rather than attempting to make them forget what they're going through or push it under the rug.

You can use the following distraction techniques to console your loved one:

• Play or put on one of their preferred tunes
• Play their favourite lighthearted film or programme
• Share a personal joke

Despite being modest, these items have a significant impact. To ensure that you are present for your loved one in the way they require, always follow their lead.

Husbands, here's how to support a woman after miscarriage

1. Open up about how you're hurting too

People don't usually think about an expectant father's grief after a pregnancy, because they're mostly concerned with the woman. But men are also affected by pregnancy losses.

You might think that you should put your feelings on the back burner and be the "strong" one, but this can actually make you and your partner feel more isolated and lonely in your grief. Talking it out with her and letting her know that she's not alone will go a long way in helping both of you process your feelings.

2. Don't judge her for her feelings

Not all women respond to a miscarriage with sadness. Some will be able to recover from a pregnancy loss quickly, while others become lost in their grief. These are all valid ways to feel after a pregnancy loss, and though you may not feel the same way she does, you shouldn't judge her for her own emotions.

3. Find help and educate yourself

Even the most well-meaning man will have a difficult time supporting his partner after a miscarriage if he doesn't know what on earth he's doing. You can look for support groups, consult a professional, or ask other couples who have been through the same thing for advice.

4. Take care of yourself

If you're feeling down in the dumps after a pregnancy loss, don't feel guilty if you have to take some time for yourself to recover. Whether that means going on a long hike or starting a new DIY project, treating yourself will allow you to recharge and take care of your partner even more effectively.

5. Don't blame your partner

You and your partner are on the same team. Work through this loss together and let it strengthen your relationship. Tell her over and over again that you love her, and show that by respecting and supporting her through her grief.

6. Plan something on difficult days

The anniversary of their miscarriage, their original due date, and Mother's Day are just a few examples of days that might be particularly upsetting.

On days like these, she might feel the need to withdraw, and that's okay.

Before they do, you can try offering to organise a simple outing or other activity to assist her to remember the loss or simply to divert her attention during these trying times.

Offer to take her to a movie, to dinner, on a day trip, or something else you know would make her happy.

7. Leave the conversation open

For example, if the miscarriage occurred in the past, your loved one may feel burdened or guilty for bringing up their sentiments.

Make it obvious to them that they are free to discuss it at any time. They will always find solace in you, and there is no right or wrong period of time for when they should be over it.

Ask them how they're doing and if they want to talk about it if you think they could be triggered or if strong emotions might be rising.

You can feel as though you're walking carefully because you want them to know they can always talk about it while also trying to avoid bringing it up inappropriately. There is no simple solution to this, but you'll be able to tell when it's appropriate to speak up or volunteer to be a support system.

What to do after miscarriage

• Be clear it's not her fault

Many mothers who experience miscarriage feel inadequate. They feel guilty because they believe they could have prevented it if only they had been more attentive to what was happening or had taken better care of their body.

Pregnant women begin making plans right away, and it's in their nature to safeguard the unborn child, according to Schwob. The idea that they haven't done their job is one that is frequently held, but it doesn't mean it's accurate. Fathers also struggle because they are unable to 'correct' the issue. Assist families in overcoming guilt and realising that they aren't failures.

• Recognise grief doesn't have a time limit

The number of weeks a woman was pregnant did not affect the intensity of her grief; her baby had died. It's acceptable for them to process their grief at their own pace.

• Talk about it

Consider sharing your experience if you've suffered a loss comparable to this one. A miscarriage can be isolating because the mother still loves and feels the kid in her womb, even though no one else outside the family may even be aware that she is pregnant.

She never talks about her experience since she believes that no one knows about it. Realising they are not alone is the first step towards healing for both the mother and the father.

What not to do (and say) after a miscarriage

Your loved one may be more easily hurt by words at this time since they are feeling so vulnerable. Even if you might not be aware of the precise appropriate response, there are some things you should refrain from saying.

A couple of those phrases are as follows:

1. 'Everything happens for a reason.'

Perhaps it does, but perhaps not. In any case, your loved one usually doesn't find it helpful to hear this while they are grieving.

This adage is associated with a particular lifestyle or set of beliefs. Your loved one might speak the words themselves if they strike a chord with them. Alternatively, if they are religious, they can say something similar, such as, "This was God's design."

The point is that you shouldn't tell your loved one unless they already use language like this.

Even when you mean well, remarks like these can nonetheless be upsetting or damaging when loss occurs.

2. 'You can always have another baby.'

You are unaware of this. None of them do.

There is no way to know for certain unless you wait to see what occurs, even though suffering a miscarriage doesn't necessarily mean that someone won't be able to have a baby in the future.

They might not want to have another child for any reason, or they might have underlying medical conditions or genetic conditions that would prevent them from doing so.

They currently need assistance concentrating on their recovery and simply getting through each day, rather than worrying about what might have been.

3. 'At least you're still healthy.'

Although telling your loved one this might seem reassuring, it might not be the right time for them to hear it. Although being "healthy" may be a blessing, they are also experiencing unfathomable sadness, thus their health may seem unimportant at this time.

"Good health" does not make their baby return. And there is a spectrum of "healthy." They may be dealing with other issues that you are unaware of or that may have contributed to their miscarriage. Let them tell you what they feel comfortable sharing with you rather than taking it personally if they choose not to.

Avoid using the word "at least" when in doubt, and if you're not sure whether to say something, err on the side of caution and wait until they bring it up.

4. Don't comment on their body 

It could be tempting to compliment their appearance in an effort to make them feel better.

These statements, such as "I didn't even know you were pregnant," can be extremely upsetting and hurtful to your loved one.

Most likely, they wish they were still expecting, and learning that they don't merely serve as a reminder of that. They most certainly didn't require this reminder.

Furthermore, talking about body image is merely a waste of time when you could be saying something helpful and consoling, like some of the things we discussed previously.

When in doubt, avoid making comments about one's appearance and speak from the heart instead.

5. Don't rationalise

Leave off the "At least" if your sentence begins with one. The ideal strategy is to listen and encourage the parents to talk about it, always emphasising that this baby matters. For instance, don't say, "At least you can try again" or "At least you have your other children."